WASHINGTON, DC: US President Donald Trump says his role directing America’s trade and tariff war prompted him to commission a new military uniform and new rank for himself as Commander in Chief of US forces.

Mr Trump said although the US Constitution designated him as Commander in Chief, the position did not come with a uniform.

“Can you believe it? I’m in charge of five-star generals in the Army and Air Force and many admirables [sic] in the US Navy, but I don’t get a uniform? It’s crazy,” he said to reporters at a White House news conference where he wore his new uniform for the first time. (main picture)

“I said to my new Defence Secretary, Pete Hegseth, that I wanted a uniform if I’m going to direct our war efforts, and he told people at the Pentagon to run one up for me.

“I insisted that if I’m going to be in charge of five-star generals then as Commander in Chief I should have more stars.

“All of my own hotels have a seven-star rating,” he lied, “so I had to have more than that, otherwise people might confuse me with them. So I’m an eight-star general.

“This is something Biden never did,” Mr Trump added.

He said that designers at the Pentagon had also provided a redesign of the official presidential flag (below) incorporating a Latin motto for him as Commander in Chief. (below)

“I’ll be wearing my new uniform and flying my new flag throughout the current war and for my term as President for Life and beyond,” Mr Trump said.

He said as a reward for providing the new uniform and personal flag he would sign an executive order to upgrade and expand the Pentagon to become the Hexagon with the addition of extra walls around the building.

Following the news conference The Bug contacted the White House press office to confirm that the motto on the new presidential flag translated to “fake bone spurs”.

The press office had no comment but directed our Washington bureau to a statement from Defence Secretary Hegseth announcing the death by firing squad of several serving officers which would be followed by a brief court martial.

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