BRISBANE: Opposition Leader Peter Dutton is winging his way to Washington DC today in a bid to outflank Prime Minister Anthony Albanese by making a direct and very personal appeal to US President Donald Trump to scrap tariffs on Australian steel and aluminium products.

Speaking at Brisbane International Airport before boarding his plane (main picture) Mr Dutton said he was certain he could gain an audience with Mr Trump and had taken steps to ensure that happened when he lands.

“I have already said I could get a deal from the President once I become Prime Minister, but we really can’t wait,” Mr Dutton said.

“While the Prime Minister cowers in Canberra and our ambassador Kevin Rudd runs around in circles in Washington, I’ll be taking a very direct approach.

“The Prime Minister and Mr Rudd haven’t a clue what to do. But I do. I know what will appeal to Donald Trump and what will get his attention.

“I’m prepared to make whatever personal, or indeed physical, sacrifices I need to make if it gets a result and keeps Australian export markets open,” Mr Dutton said, adding that he had temporarily changed his name by deed poll to “Stormy” Dutton for the duration of what he described as his “emergency economic and diplomatic salvage mission”.

“I have also ensured that I have a special official gift that will appeal to the President, namely my own pussy whose name I have also changed from Tiddles to Vladimir,” Mr Dutton said.

“I know my family will miss Tiddles but we all need to do all we can for the good of the nation,” he said as he spritzed his décolletage with a generous amount of Trump’s Fight, Fight, Fight perfume for women and grabbed his pussy before wobbling unsteadily in his stiletto heels towards the departures lounge.

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