Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills says he is feeling “mixed emotions” on the third anniversary of what he says is “Russia’s non-invasion of Ukraine”.

His Lordship marked the occasion by summoning reporters to his family seat Pout House where he held forth on the long-running conflict. (main picture)

After reporters had been seated in the east wing library of the house they were doused with an unspecified vermin powder by chamber maids who moved among them wearing heavy masks and leather gloves.

There then followed several minutes of silence broken only by some heavy coughing among the media representatives before six inexplicably naked yet heavily oiled Pout House heralds  entered to perform a special fanfare, Hark! – My Bonny Boy is Coming, which reporters were informed had been composed by His Lordship himself.

Lord Downer then entered on the arm of a strapping young under-butler, also naked save for a discreet loose sliver of embroidered muslin covering most of his nether regions and held fast by a silken thread around his waist.

His Lordship, with well-powdered wig and cheeks that appeared slightly more rouged than usual, then took his place on a well-padded and gilded Hepplewhite. (main picture)

After releasing his tinctured lips from a severe purse, he began by reciting at length his own career as Australia’s “longest-serving and, dare I say, greatest” foreign minister.

His Lordship then noted that he had been proved “absolutely correct” in his prediction three years ago that Russia would not invade Ukraine.

“I feel mixed emotions since I was pilloried three years ago, yet now have been vindicated by a fellow foreign affairs expert and practitioner – none other than the President of the United States of America, Mr Donald J Trump,” he said.

“Russia did not invade Ukraine. In fact it was the other way around. So my comments a little more than three years ago have finally been proved correct.

“Although not titled, and although he has made his name and living in …..”

It was at that point His Lordship hesitated for some moments, retrieved a laced nosegay from his sleeve and sniffed from it deeply before resuming his remarks.

“And although he has made his name and living from … trade… I regard Mr Trump as an expert on this matter and hold him in the highest regard,” he said before announcing an end to the event.

Ignoring the shouted questions of reporters and cutting them a withering look while attacking them for their impudence in “speaking to one above their station without invitation”, His Lordship summoned the barely clad under-butler who guide him from the room while heralds played another of his compositions, There’s a Dandy Chubby-Cheeked Boy Afore Me.

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