The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

If it looks like a violent street brawl, sounds like a violent street brawl and fists fly and people hit the ground just like in a violent street brawl, then guess what, BUGgers? It’s a violent street brawl! No ifs or buts.

And that’s exactly what Channel 9 newsreader Melssisa Downes called as fact on Friday night when introducing the first news item: the takedown of a fairly large, 23-year-old man in the Fortitude Valley mall that left three police officers in hospital.

Reporter Jacob Chicco rightly called it out for what it was. A violent street brawl.

But how did the ABC reporter see the incident? It was an “alleged” altercation.

The bitter, washed-up, hacks who compile this column accept that cadet training probably went the way of Brisbane trams a long time ago. So they make this plea: can journalists please spend just a little time getting into their heads when alleged and allegedly are to be used properly? It’s not rocket surgery.

Jacob Chicco got it perfectly right, only using allegedly in relation to one of the charges laid against the Valley Mall brawler – that of resisting arrest.

Once more, especially to you tyros out there who dream of evolving into competent, professional journalists: using alleged and allegedly only when it is needed is not all that difficult to understand. And best of all, it shows you’re on an upwards learning curve which does no harm at all.

***

Our column compilers also noted an ad during a recent commercial television news bulletin, with a promo for the station’s upcoming reality TV show declaring that the whole world would be watching!

Hmmm, our compilers suspect that the good folk of the world’s two most populous countries – India and China – won’t be watching this latest reality shitshow. Couldn’t give a fuck, even if they knew about it. And with a combined population of close to three billion people, that’s a lot of fucks they won’t be giving right at this moment. Ditto for many dozens of other countries.

The Bug is still considering bringing back the monthly and yearly hyperbole awards for our woeful mainstream mediocre. Would it stop the touters of shows from using shit like “the whole world will be watching”? Probably not.

***

Words still matter in journalism, shirley?

Let’s roll the tape forward to last night’s (Saturday’s) Nine News Queensland sports coverage in which reporter Will Crouch kicked off his Liv golf report from Adelaide by declaring that golfer Patrick Reed had “almost replicated” the ace in the same hole the day before.

“If where that tee shot ended up ‘almost replicated’ the earlier hole-in-one, Will Crouch really does need to go to Specsavers,” one of our column compilers dryly commented.

“And I came so very, very, close to winning the 1975 Mr Universe title. Missed out by a whisker.”

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