The Bug has obtained an exclusive leaked copy of Opposition Leader Peter Dutton’s policy speech for the upcoming federal election which shows he is to deliver the longest such pitch to voters in Australian political history.

An anonymous Liberal strategist said the speech – complete with accompanying lighting and sound effects – would set a new and likely permanently unbreakable record for length by being delivered by Mr Dutton continuously and repeatedly at every public or media appearance he makes until election day.

“Peter’s 2025 policy speech will consist almost entirely of him appearing in a half-shadow with moody mournful music and uttering just a single word at a time – like ‘immigrants’ or ‘anti-Semitism’, or ‘woke’, or ‘transgender’,” the strategist said.

“After each such word he will lean into the audience or cameras and at that precise moment an accompanying loud sting of really scary music and a piercing scream will frighten the bejesus out of those watching.

“He’ll scare even more shit out of them by simultaneously leaning over the lectern, wriggling his fingers menacingly, and yelling ‘boogie, boogie, boogie.’

“Apart from just the few trigger words, there will be bugger all content in the policy speech in line with the Liberal Party’s ‘small target’ strategy.

“He’ll make passing reference to his plan for nuclear power plants, but will not provide costings and he’ll cite the need to ‘right size’ the public service, hoping nobody works out that it means mass sackings and service cuts.

“There will be one new policy proposal in the speech which, as always, will be aimed at dividing voters and providing then with a clear choice between voting Liberal and supporting Labor.

“Like the nuclear power and public service policies, he’ll make passing mention of his plan to bring back the whaling industry to create jobs but won’t give any more details.”

The Liberal Party strategist rejected suggestions that the lengthy and continuous nature of the policy speech meant voters were likely to tire of or not comprehend its contents.

“Luckily that won’t be a problem because News Crap Australia will be serialising all instalments of the speech between now and polling day in News Crap Australia outlets including its national broadshit The Australian, its metro daily turdbloids, and on Sky News programs.

“All those outlets will be running the speech in full – every single word of it every hour, every day – while giving the Labor Party fuckall right of reply or indeed any coverage, except negative of course,” the strategist said before leaning into the face of The Bug’s reporter and screaming “boogie, boogie, boogie” while wriggling his fingers menacingly.

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