There might only be one month left of summer but it’s still very dangerous out there, people! Massive rainfalls up north. Very high temperatures across much of the country. Snakes underfoot. Plate-sized Huntsmens on the walls. Hungry sharks off every beach. Drop bears in the bush. Australia’s worst drivers if you live in Queensland. But all you BUGgers out there can get through February 2025 safely if you religiously follow the wise advice of the world’s greatest ever soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own, incredibly accurate, the wonder and only Kisma Aryias!

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You lie awake all night wondering why a train that travels from Sydney to Perth is not called the Pacific-Indian.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Faced with being put into receivership or even declared bankrupt, you change your name to Star Casinos.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You have this bizarre dream that you are suddenly 27 years older and you’re in your lounge room watching the 54th season of Silent Witness in which Doctor Nikki Alexander (Emilia Fox) dies suddenly in the first episode but still manages to conduct the autopsy on herself as she and her team work assiduously to find out if she’s in fact been murdered.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder if you’re the only person in Australia who hasn’t been able to recognise a single “celebrity” among the participants of Channel 10’s 2025 season of I’m a Celebrity; Get Me Out Of Here!

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

And you don’t even think for one moment Sam Thaiday would regard himself as a celebrity.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You are old enough to remember when the difference was great enough so you could tell when the television silly season ended and the year of quality entertainment on the small box resumed.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

After listening to Sussan Ley over the Australia Day long weekend comparing any possible manned flight to Mars with the arrival of the First Fleet in Australia and declaring that “those ships did not arrive, as some would have you believe, as invaders. They did not come to destroy or to pillage”, you wonder if Ley has ever had her IQ tested and whether it’s a positive number.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You wonder aloud that if Clive Palmer plans to once again spend $100 million plus on the looming federal election, does it mean he’s found someone else just as moronic as Senator Ralph Babet to get across the line.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

With opinion polls showing Labor in a spot of bother federally, you almost feel sorry for Anthony Albanese for not being quite as Zionist as Peter Dutton.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You lie awake in bed at night wondering if anyone has ever taken a case before Fair Trading Australia to force Sky News Australia to remove the word News from its title.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You lie awake in bed wondering if you’re the only person in the country who has absolutely no idea how AI works or if, indeed, it’s a threat to world stability and workers’ jobs, but you can’t help wondering what it would feel like to be artificially inseminated.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

After laying awake all night, you feature on morning TV news shows around the country for your efforts.

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