The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

….. allegedly!

This column has had a great amount of fun over a long time over the misuse, overuse and underuse of the words alleged and allegedly.

But one that really tickled the fannies of our old, bitter, washed-up hacks who compile this stuff was the ABC news report of that bloke in Melbourne who was “allegedly” shot dead the other day.

Now we can’t talk to unalleged gangland figure Sam “The Punisher” Abdulrahim about his being shot dead in that basement car park off a busy street in Melbourne’s north but we suspect he’d agree there was absolutely nothing alleged about the extent of fatal lead poisoning he suffered at that time. Hint: he would have been used to earlier non-fatal lead poisonings.

Okay, okay! don’t write in. We accept that someone thought it was necessary to throw “allegedly” into the mix because, if you look at the complete sentence uttered, Abdulrahim was probably (we’d argue most definitely) murdered by a hitman or hitmen.

Does anyone out there in BUGland think The Punisher wasn’t taken out by a hitman or hitmen? That it had nothing to do with a gangland war and was simply the result of a dispute over Abdulrahim using the wrong carparking space.

So at the very least, that word allegedly should have been pushed further into the sentence. No, BUGger it, it should have just bloody well been left out. Well, that’s what we’re alleging, anyway.

***

Some years ago, we abandoned one of our uncoveted journalism awards, namely the hyperbole of the month and then an absolute ripper for annual non-glory.

Why? There were simply far too many entries each month. It took our judges forever to wade through just the outrageous offerings from those at Nine News Queensland alone when touting their 6pm bulletin during Hot Seat and Tipping Point.

But today we’ll make an exception and honour a contribution today (Thursday) from ABC News Breakfast host Bridget Brennan in introducing the breaking story of a caravan found containing explosives in Sydney’s north-west.

She began with: “Australia is in shock this morning… ” We may never know who wrote that shit that poor Bridget was forced to read out but really? Dreadful news indeed that these explosives might have been meant for some deadly anti-Semitic attack but really? – a whole nation in shock?

There are countless Australians who are not so easily shocked and even those who are would have to know about this news in the first place. So, Aunty, please cut out this overblown, hyperbolic bullshit. You are our national broadcaster so show some class.

Leave it for those touting the new seasons of MAFS or I’m supposedly a celebrity, etc … you know, those reality TV shows that have the whole world spellbound, that have brought Australia to a standstill, that will have the entire nation on the edge of their seats, etc, fucking etc.

***

Here’s a rare bouquet in a column normally filled with brickbats.

Over the past fortnight or so, subs at The Sydney Morning Herald are getting it right – again! – in saying that stories that spill from any edition’s page 3 are correctly labelled as continuing from… wait for it! – page 3!

Ah, the miracle of accuracy! What sub-editing professionalism! Most of you BUGers out there know we are referring to the regular SMH habit, when an edition has a wraparound, of numbering the fake front page inside as page 3 – that’s the one that admittedly looks more like a front page than the front page on page 1. Getting a headache? We’ve had one for many months watching this disaster unfold.

Still, we are so proud of the SMH subs for not saying stories that spill from page 3 are from the front or cover page or page 1. How long will this professionalism last? We’ll keep you informed.

STOP PRESS! OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Our bouquets to subs at the SMH have suddenly dropped their petals and lost their glorious scent.

Below (at left) is Page 3 of today’s (Thursday’s) SMH. Yes, the pretend front page inside the supposed wraparound. See how the splash is continued on page 5 (lower right)?

Where did the useless, lazy sub who handled that story have that yarn spilling from. Yep! Page fucking ONE!!!!!! WRONG! WRONG! JUST PLAIN FUCKING WRONG!

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