MELBOURNE: An Australian Open spectator (arrowed below) who repeated started “Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!” chants throughout the second day of the tournament was late yesterday bundled outside by a largish group of real tennis fans and beaten to death on Grand Slam Park.

Victorian police are not expected to lay any charges.

The ocean between us

SYDNEY: The relationship between Australia and the United States as the “world’s besties ever” is in dire jeopardy with a decision overnight US time by incoming president Donald Trump that has enraged Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and his entire cabinet.

“This simply cannot be allowed to take place,” a livid Albanese declared this morning at a hastily arranged media call outside his federal electorate office in his inner-city seat of Grayndler.

He was responding to Trump’s declaration that not only on his first day back in the White House on January 20 will he end the Russia-Ukraine war but he will rename the Pacific Ocean the United States Ocean. Or maybe even just Trump Ocean or The Donald to keep it short and sweet. The vast expanse of water might also include The Trump Trench.

“He won’t get away with this,” Albanese spat out. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is where Australia and China will battle in the decades ahead for economic and military supremacy.”

“Besides, who would ever want to head out and see a musical called South United States? You’d be better off staying home and rewatching Deliverance.”

Dutton’s barking-mad rally

MELBOURNE: Liberal Party campaign staff deny orchestrating dozens of dogs to swarm Opposition Leader Peter Dutton at a city park yesterday in a bid to soften his “hard man” image.

The dogs surrounded Mr Dutton while he was in the middle of a news conference as part of his “soft” campaign kicking off 2025 in the lead-up to the federal election. (below) Some howled; others barked incessantly.

“I can absolutely deny that we arranged for all those dogs to appear,” a Liberal Party source said.

“There were actually no dogs in sight until Peter started speaking about the difference between his and Albanese’s immigration policies.

“But once he started on that line, they just flooded in,” the source said.

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