Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has announced a special Christmas gift for children of his tenant farmers to help ease the cost of living.

Speaking to reporters summoned to his family seat Pout House this morning for a special Christmas Eve announcement,  (main picture) His Lordship said this year he was “giving the gift of regular work” to children who would “otherwise be idlers and layabouts just like most of the lower classes”.

“I can announce here today that I have instituted a special program to engage more of the offspring of my tenant farmers in work on the Pout House estate,” Lord Downer said.

“I shall be engaging many of these children – no doubt largely illegitimate – in learning a range of useful skills, mainly chimney sweeping in the first instance.

“Despite some so-called woke tut-tutting by interfering radicals claiming to be child safety officers or workplace safety inspectors, I am pressing ahead with my plans.

“I would welcome the opportunity to do much more to put young Australians into work, especially in our resources sector, as I was saying to my good friend Lady Rinehart just the other day.

“For the life of me I cannot understand why children are not allowed down mines. I assume we still allow pit ponies, so why not kiddies?” a clearly puzzled Lord Downer asked.

His Lordship explained that the engagement of the children would be ongoing.

“As the lower orders breed so prolifically I shall have no shortage of future employees to do essential work and maintenance in and around Pout House,” he declared.

“In addition to chimney sweeping I have plans to expand my employment program to teach these ragamuffins other basic everyday household skills such as moat cleansing, manure sorting by hand, and spittoon drainage.”

Lord Downer said his work program would be open to children of his tenants once they turned three.

“I propose to indenture them for life – quite literally – so that they will have no concerns about falling into the idleness of unemployment, or retirement,” His Lordship said.

“Because I shall not be paying any of them for the lifetime of work they perform, my program will drastically lower the cost of living for me and my family here at Pout House.

“In addition, to cover the cost of my scheme it shall be necessary for my tenant farmers to pay me more for the privilege of eking a living from my estates. I suggest a rise of several guineas a week is in order.

“So all in all it is a very Merry Christmas,” Lord Downer said, his cheeks somehow seeming more rosy and chubby and his lips more tightly pursed than when he began his discourse.

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