The People’s Republic of China has offered to spend an obscene amount of money to restore earthquake-shaken Vanuatu, a sum aimed at sending Australia stone-motherless broke if it tries to match the communist giant’s pledge.

“We’ll send Australia stone-motherless broke if it attempts to match us,” a very senior and cunning Communist government spokesperson admitted from Beijing on the condition of anonymity.

Overnight, the Chinese government set aside 577,184,500,000 yuan ($A125 billion) to rebuild the Pacific nation.

That amount is roughly the value of cheap Chinese goods purchased by Australians each month for just about everything used in and outside their homes to combat cost of living pressures and keep our inflation rate before 15-20 per cent.

In addition, the Chinese government has promised each of Vanuatu’s 340,000 residents a cash sum equivalent to $A one million to help them recover. The money will be accessible from Bank of China branches to be built in Port Vila and selected islands soon. The Port Villa branch will be adjacent to the new Chinese naval facility on which work is expected to start soon.

In a statement released overnight, former Prime Minister Paul Keating urged the Australian government “not to do anything stupid by trying to match China’s offer.”

“Australia should not do anything stupid by trying to match China’s offer,” the statement said.

“China will eventually dominate the Pacific region. Everyone knows that,” the statement added.

“And there’s nothing to be frightened about when China achieves that. It’s a win-win for everybody, especially me. They’re good, peace-loving, people.”

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com