Contracting a deadly melanoma is not the only danger you face in the summer months ahead! It’s beach time so there’s shark attacks to consider as well. And all that holiday driving on our deadly roads! It would normally be best to stay inside – even there, a mozzie bite might give you Ross River Fever! – but you can venture out safely if you religiously follow the wise advice of the world’s greatest ever soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own, incredibly accurate, the wonder and only Kisma Aryias!

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You lie awake at night wondering what the science and entomology community would have called flies if they couldn’t fly.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

Walks?

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You wonder aloud if you could be accused of being a racist for thinking independent Senator Lydia Thorpe is as mad as a cut snake.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You suspect Simon Birmingham will do well when he retires from the Senate in the New Year: the corporate sector is always on the lookout for people who can talk endless bullshit under wet cement.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You are starting to suspect that those promised nuclear powerplant costings and construction timetables won’t be in Peter Dutton’s Christmas stocking come December 25.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You’re not the first person to realise that these star signs are of no practical use or guidance whatsoever. We sincerely hope you find some comfort in that.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the 7 Network executive who picked the station’s Test cricket commentary panel.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

All the other star signs keep telling you that between now and January 20 there’s plenty of time for you to weave your magic in a very aggressive way.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You remain hopeful that the Oxford dictionary might declare “wilty” as its buzz word for 2024. Wilty is your name for a very short time period that you define as the time that elapses between when you see the same repeated episode of Would I Lie to You? on ABC TV.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

Speaking of Would I Lie to You?, you lie awake in bed wondering if you’re the only person in Australia – if not the world – who believes host Rob Brydon when he says his panelists have never seen what’s on the card they are about to read out.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You fondly remember a time long, long, ago when you could easily tell when the television silly season began.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You muse aloud how it can be that the Albanese government is so keen to protect kids under 16 from social media but has no interest in protecting adults aged 18 to 100 plus from Sky News, before or after dark. Or any other fucking Newscorpse platform that’s basically an LNP propaganda service, for that matter!

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