WASHINGTON DC: Ambulances were called to the Australian Embassy in Washington DC yesterday (main picture) as the results of the US presidential election became apparent.

A source within the District of Columbia’s emergency call centre said an urgent message was received from an embassy staff member soon after it became apparent that Donald Trump would be returned to office as the 45th and 47th US President.

“It seems that when that news broke the Australian ambassador, Kevin Rudd, was struck by a case of explosive diarrhoea so forceful that his staff held fears for his health and wellbeing and immediately rang us to send an ambulance,” the source said.

The embassy has refused to officially confirm the incident but when contacted by a member of The Bug’s Washington DC bureau, a member of Mr Rudd’s staff did ask our reporter if they knew of a good dry cleaner and a carpet cleaner.

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An ambulance was also called to the Washington DC offices of The Australian newspaper once Mr Trump’s victory appeared assured yesterday.

A spokesperson for News Crap Australia said an emergency call was made from the newsroom after the national broadshit’s US correspondent Adam Creighton (below) began spontaneously ejaculating at the news of Trump’s win.

“It was a real mess and went on for some minutes before Adam fell to the ground exhausted, literally drained and severely dehydrated,” a witness said. “Luckily they got him to hospital in time and he should be all Right again very soon.”

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MIAMA, FL: President-elect Donald Trump has used a speech at a US$1,000-a-plate breakfast at his Mar-a-Lago resort to settle any doubts US and world money markets may hold about his economic credentials and competency, given that he failed in the election campaign to detail a coherent economic plan apart from citing his intention to apply potentially destructive tariffs on imports.

Mr Trump began by again thanking those who voted for him, singling out an important “swing state”.

“I plan to repay the good people of Pennsylvania by doing all I can to protect them and of course their great pencil industry by putting tariffs on pencils coming into the US from overseas,” he declared.

The source also confirmed the $1,000-a-plate price tag for the breakfast.

“You didn’t even get cereal unless you paid $1,000 for a bowl, plus you needed to buy another $1,000 plate for your toast, and another grand if you wanted something to eat your bacon and eggs off,” the source explained before adding, “Of course all proceeds went to Mr Trump’s personal account.”

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Political observers have noted that the Murdoch-media’s Fox News was the first to call the 2024 election for former President Donald Trump.

“Fox made the call at the direction of Rupert and Lachlan Murdoch (below) about two years ago and has been repeating it ad nauseam ever since,” said one analyst.

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