I’ve broken more world entertainment news than anyone else in the business but, boy oh boy, do I have a global exclusive for you! And it’s a doozey!

I can proudly reveal that the man regarded as America’s greatest standup comedian ever is set to hang up his microphone.

Yes, it’s true. Even as you read this shock exclusive news, I can inform you, based on my highly reliable sources in the US, that Donald “The Weave” Trump is currently giving his final standup performances in heartland America and I’m told there’s not a spare seat left in any of the stadiums as he runs through his famous MAGA – Make America Giggle Again! – routines.

And the American people are surely going to miss “The Weave”, the technique Donald Trump has used, especially over recent years of the decades he’s made America laugh, where seemingly disjointed topics cleverly disguised as incoherent ramblings all come together at the end in a brilliant climax of comedic timing.

Such has been Trump’s mastery over the standup comedy circuit in the States for so long now that his performances have developed a racy, adult-themed edge where he had pretended to give hand and blow jobs to his microphone stalk! (images at top).

I’m told there hasn’t been a dry eye in the house as thousands of MAGA fans, red caps galore as they copy the much-loved comic’s own headwear choice, have sat spellbound as he has regaled them one last time with his hours-long standard routines of Democratic election stealing, immigrants raping, murdering and then eating cats and dogs, windmills killing whales, his personal friendship with Hannibal Lecter, the size of a golf legend’s cock, his endless self-bragging and of course his signature and highly personal putdowns of foes and friends alike.

We have never seen a standup comic of his calibre before and I doubt we ever will again.

I just know in my heart of hearts that the American people are going to miss this comedy genius very, very, much indeed.

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