… in complete safety!

With summer just around the corner, it’s really important to try to stay alive for the end-of- year holidays and, of course, Christmas, which can sometimes be nowhere nearly as bad as you expect. And the best way of achieving that is to religiously follow the wise advice of the world’s greatest ever soothsayer, The Bug‘s very own, incredibly accurate, Kisma Aryias!

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You start to suspect it probably wasn’t the federal Opposition’s smartest move to have Bridget “I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a flight upgrade but I would have declared it if I had” McKenzie lead the charge against Anthony Albanese’s flight upgrade “scandal”. Or anyone in the Opposition for that matter, from Peter “Is your jet free, Gina?” Dutton down.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You also wonder if Anthony Albanese, regardless of whether he asked Alan Joyce for flight upgrades or not, by phone, fax, smoke signals or through his staff, has happily moved on from struggle street to snuggle-up-at-the-pointy-end-of-the-plane-hopefully-in-Qantas-pyjamas street. Oh, that we all could. And we would.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You suspect the mainstream mediocre will try to keep the Albanese flights upgrade story a hot topic for the seven months still to run before the next federal election is due.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

And sadly that will also include the ABC. What the fuck has happened to you, Aunty?

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You wonder aloud why Joe Biden should be in any trouble whatsoever for calling the rubbish who support Donald Trump rubbish.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You start to wonder if the very concept of democracy can survive in the United States if citizens there decide the only way to avoid civil war and blood in the streets is to vote for Donald Trump.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You hear on the political grapevine that Steven Miles sent Robbie Katter a monster food hamper including a full ham leg for saving his bacon at the recent Queensland election by raising the abortion issue midway through the campaign.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the person who first thought of the idea of online sports betting.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You think it’s an excellent idea for the ABC to move Greg Jennett from hosting Afternoon Briefing to reading the Canberra news from early next year.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

Ditto if the corporation also moved Patricia Karvelas and Sarah Ferguson to shipping news and fruit and vegetable markets reports respectively. And got rid of David Speers entirely.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You have no law degree and you only went to university by mistake one day after making a wrong turn, yet even from the few stories you’ve read about National Anti-Corruption Commission chair Paul Brereton’s handling of the Robodebt issue you conclude that he’s NACC-ered.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You begin to think there may be something in the attacks on PM Anthony Albanese’s dealing with the former Qantas CEO when you see online a copy of the statement issued by the Prime Minister’s Office denying any contact with Mr Joyce seeking seat upgrades but, after retrieving a magnifying glass, you detect in one-point font the word “Barnaby” before “Joyce”.  

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