The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

Did Channel 9 in Brisbane have a great news yarn to promote yesterday afternoon! A scoop that’s almost unbelievable in fact. Breathtaking, even.

On both its 4pm afternoon news bulletin and in pre-6pm news plugs, it told of how some fisherman survived after clinging to their sunken boat.

You’ve read right, BUGgers. At top is the vision used to back up this amazing story of survival by air-breathing mammals. That boat sure looks sunken alright. Clearly some metres below the surface! And while it’s not exactly down in Davy Jones Locker territory, it sure looks a very difficult place for mere mortals who breathe for a living.

Mediocre Bytes has had fun many times over with the non-journalist/s who pen the promo teases for Nine News Queensland’s main evening bulletin. They are often click-baitingly hyperbolic in nature and bear little resemblance to the story that follows.

But it still astounds the washed-up old hacks who compile this column that the very notion that fishermen have survived after clinging to their sunken boat didn’t ring some basic alarm bells in that promo writer’s brain, at least from a logical point of view if not sparked by some basic journalism training.

So, did newsreader Andrew Lofthouse repeat this silliness at the start of the 6pm bulletin? Thankfully, no. “The stroke of luck that saved these fishermen found clinging to their sinking boat,” he announced. Ah, what a world of difference there is between a sinking boat and one that has sunk. We can now all breathe easier.

So, well done, Andrew! Oh, but wait.

Here’s his plug before the first ad break: the fishermen had been found “clinging to their sunken boat”.

We’re all back to visions of these poor fishers clinging on and holding their breaths as if their lives depend on it!

When this amazing yarn of survival finally ran right at the end of the hour-long bulletin – yes, the teasers thought it was that worthy to hold it from us for that long! – we finally found out the truth.

Another boatload of good folk luckily was nearby and they quickly rescued the very fortunate fishermen after their boat flipped 30km off Tweet Heads and sank within a minute!

Turns out there was no need, then, to test their breath-holding abilities after all!

***

We turn now to today’s (Saturday’s) edition of The Sydney Morning Herald and two little fuckups in standfirsts. By the way, fuckups in headings are the worse. Fuckups in standfirsts and blocklines are the next level down.

First up is a story assessing the quality of tomato sauce brands. The standfirst said 10 were being assessed. The story rated twelve, counting down from the worst.

Sure, no biggie but isn’t accuracy a hallmark of a top sub-editor’s craft? It’s what Mediocre Bytes is all about.

Further along in the Traveller section, here’s a nice little literal in the standfirst for a yarn about the annual whale migration back to warm southern waters.

Oh, dear. Ho humback highway indeed.

Mediocre Bytes is just thankful that today’s SMH didn’t have a Hardly Normal wraparound for the subs to fuck up page-numbering wise… as they usually do.

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