The Brisbane Bolts have been forced to move hotels in Melbourne as the team prepares for tomorrow’s 2024 JDG grand final against the Sydney Sphincters.

It is understood that Victoria Police alerted Brisbane Bolts management to the need to shift hotels after routine surveillance identified electronic signals emitted by court-ordered ankle bracelets worn by four Brisbane players at a hotel near the Durex Condoms Stadium.

“The players in question were staying at the hotel in question, which we choose not to name but which is located within 500 metres of several schools,” a Victoria Police spokesperson said.

“Communications with Queensland Police revealed that the relevant orders – imposed as a result of past court judgements – required that the four Bolts wearing surveillance bracelets must not come within 500 metres of any school or establishment where young people gather.

“When that information was passed to the Brisbane Bolts management, a change in accommodation was made immediately,” the spokesperson said.

While the four individual players in question have not been identified, The Bug’s photographer caught the team’s star centre-left knurler Dick “Big Dick” Bigg being transferred to a minibus after checking out of the team’s original hotel. (main picture)

CEO of the Brisbane club, Terry Verandah, insists the last-minute change in accommodation was unfortunate but insisted it would not disrupt player training for the big event.

“I can’t see why we needed to move because I asked the boys and none of them had come for days, but the filth said we had to, so we did,” Mr Verandah told reporters after emerging from an inner-Melbourne illegal brothel late last night.

“All youse flea-fucking gnat cocks in the media just love to pour shit on the Bolts. But be warned I know where you all live and there’ll be a day when I pour shit on each of youse – literally,” he said while wielding a large carving knife in the direction of reporters.

Mr Verandah said the change of accommodation would not affect the team’s chances at tomorrow grand final.

“Whoever says it will is a deadset dog dildo,” he yelled from the open driver’s window of a hire car which he used to accelerate at speed away from the brothel but which sideswiped several vehicles in the street before striking a power pole. A daze Verandah then fled the scene shouting abuse at the pursuing media pack.

Brisbane Bolts head coach, Jack Saunders, refused to detail the offences which had required the Bolts players to wear ankle bracelets and downplayed their seriousness.

“It’s just a bit of hi-jinks – just some good natured horseplay,” Saunders said.

DISCLAIMER: The Bug is an official sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.

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