HEALTH CRISIS:

Hospitals throughout Queensland are currently experiencing record ramping levels as hundreds of people are being transported by ambulance to those medical centres after collapsing with acute depression.

“Some of these poor folk have fainted dead-away after this depression hit so suddenly and so savagely,” one doctor at the Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital told The Bug on condition of anonymity. “We’ve got dozens of ambulances stuck on our ED entrances.”

All those rushed to hospital with this condition are understood to be Australian Labor Party sitting state members and other candidates, central office officials including the state campaign director and their deputies, and local campaign leaders in the 93 seats across the state.

The acute depression overwhelmed them the moment they collectively realised that time was fast running out and the many millions of dollars that Queensland taxpayers have been forking out for many months now to tell the public how wonderful the Miles government has been runs out in just a few days time.

“The moment the starting gun is fired in just a few days, Labor will have to fund its own re-election campaign and the shock of that has really hit all these poor people very hard indeed,” that RBWH doctor added.

“To them, it all seems so very, very unfair.”

The Bug has been unable to put a price on the state government advertising across multiple platforms explaining the ruling party’s measures to ease cost-of-living pressures and other programs that have only been made possible by high coal royalties but as one party insider told us: “It’s been at a level that would make [former Premier] Peter Beattie (below, right) blush and he set the benchmark for such expenditure.”

“Former LNP governments thought they had mastered this sort of thing but Beattie showed them to be rank amateurs.”

For months now, the state government has been running Queensland Cost of Living Action adverts detailing $1000 off electricity bills (thanks to coal royalties!), 20 per cent off annual car registration and other measures such as help for families with school sports costs and of course 50c rail fares aimed at saving Labor bums on Brisbane metropolitan and south-east Queensland seats.

One senior Labor campaigner in Townsville explained why he hadn’t succumbed to the depression that had afflicted so many of his colleagues.

“I guess I’m just a realist deep down. All those months of state government ads haven’t fucking shifted the electoral pendulum in our direction here to any significant degree and it looks like we’re going to get slaughtered in the seats of Townsville, Thuringowa and Mundingburra in the city’s urban areas anyway.

“Voters can be such ungrateful fucking cunts sometimes considering what a wonderful government we’ve been for so long, as all that state government advertising has been pointing out.”

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