SYDNEY EMERGENCY:

NSW Minister or Health, Ryan Park, says contingency plans have been triggered this morning following an emergency in Sydney that has diverted the bulk of ambulance vehicles in the metropolitan area to an ongoing incident at Surry Hills.

“Unfortunately this morning NSW Ambulance experienced another huge surge in demand for vehicles after yet another mass outbreak of explosive diarrhoea at the head offices of News Crap Australia in Holt Street at Surry Hills,” Mr Park explained. (below)

“The incident has involved ambulances from all over Sydney transporting editorial staff from The Australian newspaper to hospitals across the city.

“This has involved the use of the fleet of 25 ambulances designed specifically to respond to cases of explosive diarrhoea which, after previous similar outbreaks at The Australian since October last year, have been based at the Sydney Ambulance Centre at nearby Eveleigh, not far from The Australian’s offices.” (main picture)

A spokesperson for News Crap Australia confirmed that the latest outbreak of explosive diarrhoea at The Australian was, like previous similar incidents, linked to events in the Middle east.

“I can confirm that the incident was triggered by news from Israel of massive public demonstrations against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the tactics he is using to fight Hamas terrorists,” the Minister said.

“Staff at The Australian were so shocked that anyone would not give Mr Netanyahu 100% backing for his handling of the conflict that they just started shitting themselves.

“Well-know Righters on staff like Greg Sheridan were the first to soil themselves.

“Apparently Greg could not fathom why anyone anywhere would take exception to Netanyahu’s genocidal tactics which have preferenced saving his own political skin rather than the Israeli hostages taken in the bloody terrorist attacks by Hamas last October.

“Eyewitnesses reported that Greg was wandering aimlessly around the newsroom, with what appeared to be brown Windsor soup seeping out from under his trouser cuffs and asking of nobody in particular: ‘We keep doing all we can to ignore and deny the Gaza genocide. Doesn’t anyone listen to us?’

“He was soon having difficulty even walking given the depth of human waste being expelled from him and other Righters,” the spokesperson said.

Mr Park said replacement ambulances were being driven at high speed to Sydney from outlying stations.

He urged Sydney residents to avoid calling for an ambulance if at all possible until the availability of vehicles returned to normal.

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