Spring is about to sprung and the world’s greatest-ever soothsayer Kisma Aryias will keep you safe and sound all throughout September simply by following his wise advice.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You see some strength and logic to the argument that a total ban on sports betting advertising might see the end of commercial television networks and stations across metropolitan and regional Australia but then realise there’s fuck all worth watching on those channels anyway and go: “Meh! No big loss!”

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

But then again, you are someone who has not watched a single frame EVER! of so-called reality TV shows over recent decades such as The Farmer Wants a Root, Married at First Sight, any Survivor iteration, The Block, The Summit, The New Summit, The Even Scarier Steeper Summit, I’m Supposedly a Celebrity So Get Me Out of Here, Bachelorette, Naked Island, etc, etc, etc fucking etc.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

For a while there you thought Anthony Albanese was a pushover for the gambling lobby and was caving in their greedy demands, but then you read he is standing firm and will limit their TV ads to just two per hour, albeit 30 minutes each.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You lie awake in bed all night, staring at the ceiling and wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who for two decades has always believed Would I Lie to You? host Rob Brydon has been telling the truth when he says his panelists have never seen or read the card in front of them.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You know it’s not going to happen but it simply makes you feel good all over with the possibility that if the judge in the Linda Reynolds/Brittany Higgins defamation case does rule in Reynolds’ favour because of our silly defo laws, he nevertheless awards her a single peppercorn as damages and orders both sides to pay their own court costs.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You don’t know a lot about politics but you’re pretty sure the Labor tactic of calling that dreadful racist and divisive cunt Peter Dutton a dreadful racist and divisive cunt doesn’t appear to be working all that well.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You also don’t know a lot about politics but you figure if Anthony Albanese keeps trying too hard to be re-elected by sidelining any contentious issue, there’s a very good chance he won’t be.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You are not surprised to read that a poll in the US reveals a majority of Republican Party voters think the 2024 presidential election was stolen.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Just when you think Donald Trump couldn’t sink any lower he starts sending out social media messages with the hashtag #kuntkamala.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the Channel 9 executive who thought it was a good idea to send Karl Stefanovic to the Paris Olympics.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You blush mightily when you remember how foolish you were to think the launch of the National Anti-Corruption Commission 14 months ago would have led by now to so many adverse findings against former LNP governments – starting with the illegal and immoral and deadly Robodebt scheme – that they’d have no chance at all of re-election for at least a decade.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You suddenly realise you can’t remember the name of the bloke who was prime minister for four years up to the 2022 federal election and your heart fills with unbridled and almost uncontrollable joy.

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