Following his return from a six-month stint as in-house medical adviser on the soon-to-premiere Network Seven reality program Farmer Wants a Root our resident sexologist does what he does best by answering readers’ sometimes hard, sometimes flaccid, and often sticky questions.

Dear Dr Dick
For the past few months I have been very constipated. Sitting on the toilet and not being able to trump was really giving me the trumps. But all that has changed now that I’ve started streaming the US Fox News Network. No sooner had I started watching it than I was off to the smallest room in the house to drop a massive trump. Problem was that I’ve kept watching and I keep trumping, even to the extent that on more than one occasion I almost trumped my pants. I don’t want to go back to being constipated, so what can I do?

Soiled
Salisbury

Doctor Dick replies:

Dear Soiled,
I have had other patients in your position who also have found that Fox News can loosen things up for them. If you wish to continue your self-administered treatment I suggest not viewing so many hours of Fox and for your own safety do not, I repeat do not, combine it with watching any political coverage on the local Sky News “after dark” shows and certainly don’t read The Australian.

Dear Doctor Dick,
For some weeks recently my aunty couldn’t stop telling me about the facelift she was about to undergo. I was led to believe that it promised a whole new look and major improvements. But now that I’ve seen the results I’m extremely disappointed and very much underwhelmed. How do I tell her?

Disappointed|
Deception Bay

Doctor Dick replies:

Dear Disappointed,
ABC News offers several ways for you to lodge viewer feedback. If you go to the “contact us” page on abc.net.au/news you’ll find both general feedback and complaints links.

Dear Doctor Dick
I am writing to you in the hope that you might settle a rather public dispute about my personal health history. In the past I have revealed that my cognitive problems – mostly short and long-term memory loss – were caused by a worm that entered my brain and ate a portion of it before dying. I am appealing to you as an internationally respected medical professional to confirm and verify my explanation.

RFK Junior
Washington DC

Doctor Dick replies:

Dear RFK Junior,
Your weekend decision to throw your lot in with Donald Trump is enough for me to confirm and verify even from this distance the fact you have just half a brain.

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