Brisbane’s three commercial television networks have agreed to expand their nightly news bulletins during the upcoming Queensland state election to achieve, as one of their senior news editors put it: “the right outcome for all Queenslanders”.

The Bug can reveal that at a secret meeting at the cafe near the lookout up at Mount-Coot-tha last night, executives from Nine News Queensland, Seven News Brisbane and Ten Network’s Brisbane News agreed to expand their bulletins by a half-hour from the day the starting gun is fired in the campaign to election night on October 26.

To avoid any commercial advantage from this decision, it’s been agreed that the 10 Network news will run from 4.30pm to 6pm; and the Nine and Seven network bulletins will be brought forward a half-hour and run from 5.30pm until 7pm.

“This will allow all three news bulletins to run as much current and historic footage as possible of rampant and out-of-control youth crime across the entire state,” explained a senior news editor at Seven, “including home invasions, assaults and vehicle thefts and the road hooning that follows.”

“We regard it as our civic duty to do whatever we can to replace this tired nine-year old Labor government that’s run out of puff and out of ideas.”

A senior producer at Nine News Queensland agreed with that approach but added: “The extra half-hour will also allow us to continue to agree wholeheartedly with the Voice for Victims community group that we are patrons of that the Miles government has done nothing to reduce those horrific youth and general crime figures that have all Queensland cowering in fear in their own homes.

“We’re also hoping Voice for Victims will hold a series of marches on Parliament during the campaign period and we’ll naturally give them top priority on nightly bulletins in the days before each march, on the night of each march and in the days that follow each march. The extra half-hour will allow us to give their message of total government inaction full and wholesome support as we have always done.”

The Bug understands the networks have all agreed to resume their normal hour-long bulletins at the usual times after the election.

“That’s only logical of course for there’ll be no reason for saturation coverage of crime with the incoming David Crisafulli government expected to make quick and effective inroads into significantly cutting those horrific youth and general crime statistics that, as we’ve all agreed, the Miles government has done fuck all about, if you’ll excuse the French,” a Seven News source added.

And this from a senior newsman at the Ten Network: “We might even go back to half-hour bulletins for a while as there’ll be no need to run countless youth-crime videos during the Crisafulli government honeymoon period which hopefully will last a very long time.”

A source at the ABC told The Bug: “At this stage we have no plans to expand our half-hour news bulletin from 7pm but since we generally like to mimic, in admittedly half the time, what Nine News Queensland does – from the top of each bulletin to the weather at the end – we might have to.”

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com