Seeing the shortest day of the Australian year was now close to six weeks ago, you’d bloody well think things would have started warming up by now, wouldn’t you, seeing you’re now freezing your tits off in your dressing gown and ugg boots?

Still, while the world’s greatest-ever soothsayer can’t explain that annual Down Under weather conundrum to you, Kisma Aryias can keep you safe and sound all throughout August simply by following his wise advice.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

Your heart fills with patriotic pride when you get up at 3am to watch Barnaby Joyce claim gold in the men’s fall, sprawl and drawl event at the 2024 Paris Olympics.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You figure the triathlon at the Paris Olympics could have gone ahead on time if recent rains hadn’t washed into the Seine all those millions of dog shits that Parisians happily allow their darlings to plop onto the City of Light’s footpaths and parks each and every day.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Still, you wouldn’t have minded watching all those competitors going through the motions.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You embark on a crime spree after you realise that no matter what day or time you commit an offence the cops always immediately believe you when you say you were at home in front of your TV watching The Big Bang Theory.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You can only imagine how well Australia would be doing on the 2024 Paris Olympics medals board if our men could win a gold medal … like, you know …. just every now and then. Apart from Barnaby, that is.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

Waiting impatiently at the airport departure lounge for your Rex Airlines flight to be called, you feel slightly less sorry for yourself when you discover the heavily bearded man sitting beside you is expecting his Bonza boarding call any moment now.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

When another opinion poll lobs showing the federal Opposition again ahead of the Albanese government on two-party preferred terms, you wonder how far Labor would now be behind if it hadn’t been spending millions in advertisements across all platforms boasting of their “tax cuts for all and not just some” from July 1.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You hear a whisper – and you suspect it could be true – that the reason Donald Trump doesn’t want to debate Kamala Harris is that he wouldn’t be able to control his urge to lunge across the debate floor and grab her by the pussy.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Because he can do that with impunity, you know. It’s why he repeatedly calls her Camel-toe Harris and gets away with it. He could also shoot someone dead in Fifth Avenue and no-one would mind. The man’s untouchable. He’s bigly huuuge! No-one in the world knows more about him than he does. That’s a fact. No-one will ever have to vote ever again once he retakes the White House. He’s the gift to America that just keeps on giving. Camel-toe should give it away now instead of making an absolute fool of herself by coming a distant second in November.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You are keeping your fingers crossed that your three kids have bought your story that the Brisbane Ekka has been cancelled because it clashes with the second week of the Paris Olympics.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the entire Channel 9 NRL commentary team.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Hearing that youth crime rates in Queensland have dropped, you remain supremely confident that Nine News Queensland and Seven News Brisbane will both report on those figures any night now. (You BUGgers out there are now invited to insert prolonged canned laughter here or make as much noise as you can with clackers, kazoos, vuvuzelas and klaxon horns if you have them).

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