FAST FOOD TASTE TEST:

The Bug dropped into the McDonald’s in Chermside, Brisbane, the other night and tried out their new steakhouse stack burger. The conversation went something like this...

McDonald’s sweetie: You’re back. Do we have a problem here, sir?

The Bug: Yeah, hi, again sweetie. It’s this steakhouse stack burger medium meal you just sold me. It looks nothing like the burger pictured on the big poster behind you there?

McDonald’s sweetie: Umm, how so, sir?

The Bug: Well, as you can see, it’s quite flat compared with the picture. It’s only half the height. It’s just come as a bit of a shock, you know, sweetie. The reality compared with the expectations.

McDonald’s sweetie: Well, all our burgers get squashed down a fair bit when they’re wrapped up.

The Bug: But my burger wasn’t wrapped up, was it, sweetie? It came in a box and the burger clearly didn’t come anywhere near to the bottom side of the lid.

McDonald’s sweetie: Any other concerns, sir?

The Bug: Well, it’s just the principle of the thing, isn’t it? You call something a stack and it’s everything but that. You present a product as being one thing and then the actual product looks bugger all like it. You must be the only retail outlet in the whole wide world of consumerism that constantly gets away with offering a product that looks f… bugger all …like the advertisements run for it.

McDonald’s sweetie: Well, there’s no need to swear, sir.

The Bug: It’s like buying a new car that you think has four cylinders only to find out it’s two! Or you thought you were buying a four-door family sedan when it turns out to be a small coupé.

McDonald’s sweetie: Well, that’s a rather silly argument if you don’t mind my saying so, sir. It’s only a burger, for fuck’s sake. And it will fill you up regardless of how it looks. But regardless, what do you want us to do about it?

The Bug: Nothing really. We just felt like making the point that in the squashed up flat burger you gave me, the shredded lettuce was clearly visible, as was the unevenly but oversupplied creamy peppercorn mayo that made it taste like a Big Mac on steroids and which oozed out one side of the burger the moment you picked it up out of the box. And as for spotting the crispy onions, red onions and two slices of Aussie jack cheese – so clearly visible in your ad there – well you can forget that from the get-go.

McDonald’s sweetie: I repeat, sir, what do you want us to do about it, you silly old c…..ahh …thing?

The silly old cunt from The Bug: Nothing! We’ll take it up the arse like we always do.

***

The Bug: The above conversation clearly did not take place. We took it up the arse like we usually do if we want a quick and never highly satisfactory fast-food meal from McDonald’s – or Hungry Jacks for that matter.

Our overall verdict? The McDonald’s steakhouse stack burger is nowhere near as enjoyable as the old McFeast they use to flog up until about three years ago. Maybe it was the tomato but it looked and tasted much more like a traditional Aussie burger. Perhaps with just the one beef pattie, less was more?

The steakhouse stack is over the top and seeing it’s wider than a Big Mac (that never looks like the advertised product, right) , if it’s a quick meat-and-protein fix you need at a reasonable price from the two beef patties that you can at least plainly see once you scrape away all that mayo and dump half the lettuce, it does the trick.

But would you order it again? Most likely not. Which means McDonald’s might have a marketing problem even bigger than how it looks.

Don Gordon-Brown

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com