EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW:
Intervention by God (main picture) has been cited as saving former US President Donald Trump’s from assassination at a Pennsylvania rally at the weekend. The Supreme Being agreed to an exclusive interview with The Bug to discuss claims being made about her role in events.
The Bug: First of all, thanks for doing this exclusive interview. I know you don’t do these type of chats too often.
God: That’s right. I think the last one I did was in the 16th century but for me it seems just like yesterday. Long before newspapers of course. It was with some bloke in what’s now Germany. With a quill and parchment. Funny thing, he ended up nailing it to a church door as I recall.
The Bug: Right. Also, thanks for choosing to talk exclusively to The Bug.
God: Well, I was pondering doing this interview with The Australian as part of its 60th anniversary celebrations but decided to go with an outlet with far more journalistic ethics and credibility.
The Bug: Thanks. Good to know. Now, what has been your personal reaction to the shooting incident at the Donald Trump rally?
God: Well I’m a bit angry at Mr Trump himself and others who have been crediting me for saving his life. Let me tell you, and through The Bug let me tell the world, that I had nothing to do with his survival
The Bug: Nothing at all?
God: Of course not. I’m sick and tired of being given credit for narrow escapes. I don’t work that way. If I did, that poor retired fire chief Corey Comperatore would be alive today and enjoying life with his wife and daughters. And the two others in the rally audience wouldn’t be injured.
The Bug: Hmmm. That does seem logical.
God: Indeed it is logical, that’s because it’s true. If I saved Trump why didn’t I save JFK, or his brother Bobby, or other Presidents such as Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, or William McKinley?
The Bug: Good point. I guess if you get credit for saving Trump you also couldn’t escape blame for putting him in harm’s way in the first place.
God: Exactly. Oh, thank Me that someone finally gets it!
The Bug: So any ideas about what did cause the shooting?
God: Let me put it this way. Why would anyone be surprised when someone who has spent every waking hour since 2015 peddling poisonous politically violent rhetoric and lying through his teeth be shocked when he’s the victim of political violence?
The Bug: Another good point. It’s a pity more people don’t listen to you.
God: Tell me about it!
The Bug: So if you didn’t save Trump’s life who did?
God: The shooter of course, or whoever gave him shooting lessons. He rightly gets the blame for killing poor Mr Comperatore so surely he cops it for missing his main target too. But it certainly had nothing to do with me. Leave me out of it.
The Bug: What’s so wrong with people attributing lifesaving interventions to you?
God: What’s wrong with it? Have you heard of litigation? It’s a pain in the arse. I don’t want to spend eternity – and I mean that literally – in court facing duty-of-care charges.
The Bug: Good point. But why are there so-called “acts of God” clauses in such things as insurance policies, contracts, and other legally enforceable instruments?
God: I’ve been asking that myself forever – and again I mean that literally. My best guess is that insurers, being the blood-sucking unimaginative price gouging cold-blooded bastards they are, simply came up with that idea just to avoid paying out some claims when that’s the whole point of people paying them for policies in the first place.
The Bug: Look I know you have to get back to doing whatever you do, so thanks for talking to us.
God: No worries. It’s been a pleasure. Let’s do it again real soon. I’ll pencil something in my diary for 15 July 3476 if that suits you.
The Bug: It’ll probably be a different reporter by then but I’ll let the editor know.
God: Great. Oh, one last thing – I do hope The Bug shows the good sense and restraint that has been its hallmark since 1989 and doesn’t run this interview with a cheap, inflammatory, attention-grabbing headline with ballistic overtones.
The Bug: Can’t guarantee that one, but thanks again for your time.
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