MEDIA NEWS:

The Nine Network will sack all of its reporters across Australia and rush to air a totally revamped national news bulletin following today’s attempted shooting of  former President Donald Trump.

A Nine Entertainment insider said the replacement National Nine News bulletin had been trialled in secret for the past few weeks after the network had been spooked by the decision of the Seven Network to include a horoscope segment presented by an astrologer in its nightly bulletins. (below)

“Following Seven’s move Nine Entertainment CEO, Mike Sneesby, ordered the off-air trials before he flew off to Greece and also directed that dismissal notices be drafted for all newsroom staff for distribution if needed,” the insider said.

“Mr Sneesby rang from his luxury villa in Greece this morning immediately after the Trump shooting incident to order the new bulletin to air immediately plus the dismissal of all Nine News journalists.

“Mr Sneesby’s decision will see a totally radically new format for a single nationwide news bulletin hosted by Australia’s most respected soothsayer, The Bug’s resident astrologer Kisma Aryias. (main picture)

“The recent secret off-air trials have seen Mr Aryias produce ‘shadow’ news bulletins over several weeks to allow Mr Sneesby to decide how accurate his predictions were and if we could actually do without our very expensive army of reporters if Mr Aryias could improve the viewer experience by presenting news before it actually happened.

“One of his prognostications three days ago was ‘There will be a shooting incident in the USA in coming days’.

“It wasn’t considered important at the time but today’s events in Pennsylvania cast it in an entirely different light which prompted Mr Sneesby to give the go-ahead for the new format which viewers should enjoy from tonight,” the Nine insider said.

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