At the halfway point of 2024 our in-house soothsayer looks forward to see what’s in store for you, our nation, and the world in general.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You read that Russia has applied sanctions against former Australian prime ministers Tony Abbott and John Howard and feel intense anger – not because they have been targeted for standing up for Ukraine – but because the move permanently shatters your dream of seeing both of them spend the rest of their lives isolated in a Siberian gulag instead of having to regularly endure reading their far right-wing views in LNP Pravda, aka The Australian.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You shake your head in disbelief as to why on earth Labor didn’t immediately expel from party membership West Australian Senator Fatima Payman for breaking party rules by shamelessly crossing the floor and voting for party policy.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

After all, just about the entire world and not just Penny Wong is calling for a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine, even though Israel is making damn sure that’s never going to happen.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

In fact, the more you see and hear Penny “It’s hard to see things clearly from this distance” Wong calling for a two-state solution in Israel, Gaza and the West Bank, you wonder why she didn’t clean up for a major AACTA award back in February.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

After watching Anthony Albanese make that welcome-home phone call to Julian Assange but then try his best to appear to be not so much for or against the strange, weird, guy, you finally understand why more and more voters are finding the PM to be a little wishy washy and weather vaney.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

In fact, as Albanese becomes more and more Liberal-lite, you start to suspect that 28 per cent Labor primary vote in the latest Resolve Political Monitor poll could be just about spot on.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You just know that Peter Dutton has taken careful note of the political gymnastics employed by Nigel Farage, urging voters in three constituencies to continue supporting his far-right wing party by voting on 4 July for the local Reform UK candidates he has sacked for making offensive racist and Islamophobic remarks.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You admit to having fallen asleep immediately on hearing that Deputy Prime Minister Richard Marles was to be the guest interviewee on ABC Insiders, not even bothering to wait until he actually appeared on screen. “It saves time,” you explain to anyone who would listen.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Reading news stories about a vote of no confidence by Nine Entertainment staff in CEO Mike Sneesby after he outlined 200 job cuts across the company you can’t help but think the motion is redundant given that viewers and readers of Nine products have emphatically done pretty much the same thing in recent years.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You hear that the UK’s general election on Thursday has been called off after someone discovered in Westminster a little know mercy rule, with the Tories being allowed to keep 61 of their favourite seats and/or of their own choosing.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You are filled with sorrow on hearing the newsflash that Joe Biden has stepped aside as the Democrats’ presidential candidate for the November run-off, forgetting momentarily who he was and offering the role instead to himself.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the entire crew of Sky News After Dark on-camera “hosts” meandering home after a lengthy but succulent Chinese pub meal.

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