Well, BUGger us all! Winter is finally with us, despite we spoilt, sooky, Australians having already been freezing our tits off for weeks, all rugged up and warm in our ugg boots. Winter should not be a time for cowering in our homes waiting for warmer weather; instead we should be stepping out with confidence, knowing the world’s most famous soothsayer can keep us all safe if we follow his sage advice.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Wanting to put your car on blocks while taking a long OS trip for much of winter, you are delighted to have to outlay only $48 for the 24 copies of Scott Morrison’s Plans For Your Good: A Prime Minister’s Testimony of God’s Faithfulness needed to complete that task.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

At the very least, you can’t be accused of impatience as you wait at the Sunshine Coast airport for your Bonza flight to regional Victoria to be called.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You await with trepidation the first US polls to come out after Donald Trump’s 34 felony convictions, fully suspecting that they will probably show the tangerine shitgibbon moving ahead of Sleepy Joe Biden in crucial swing states.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You suspect you won’t be the only Australian to vow to never, ever visit the United States – again or for the first time – if its citizens are stupid enough to re-elect the dreadful pussy-grabber. (Notice there how you knew immediately who we were referring to?)

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Although you do suspect that a second Trump presidency could very well be the end of our $380 billion .. sorry $430 billion … sorry $521 billion nuclear sub outlay under Aukus because President Trump would not want to offend “my good friend and mate Xi Ginsling (sic)”.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted dimly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.2kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the pharmacist who sold the faulty franger to Rowan Dean’s parents nine months before his birth.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You lie awake late at night, appreciating that previous star sign could have been written about any of the Sky News “hosts” currently waging war – before or after dark – on all things Labor.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You lie awake late at night, wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who keeps watching all those sports bets ads on the TV yet still doesn’t have a single fucking clue as to what a “same game multi” is.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You lie awake late at night, hoping beyond hope that looming, multi-million dollar cuts across the Newscorpse Australia network don’t include anyone at all from Sky News After Dark, seeing the unintended laughs those “hosts” bring to the vast majority of us each and every time they front their own eponymous programs.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

But the news overnight that cardigan futures have slumped on local markets has you fearful that Gerard Henderson might have been given the chop at The Australian.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You lie awake late at night, staring at your ceiling and wondering how it was at all possible that ABC management could censure Laura Tingle for telling the truth about racist Australia and a dog-whistling Peter Dutton.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You lie awake late at night, wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who wanted to see most if not all of the contestants on Channel Nine’s The New Summit plummet to their deaths.

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