NSW NEWS:

The NSW Government’s 12 new specialised ambulances designed to rapidly respond to mass outbreaks of explosive diarrhoea have seen action already despite being launched only this morning.

The new vehicles, costing about $3 million each, will be garaged permanently at News Crap Australia’s Holt Street headquarters.

Premier Chris Minns (pictured with one of the vehicles) said it was coincidental but opportune that the fleet was kept busy this morning just moments after being unveiled.

“My government decided to take action to make sure our ambulance service can respond better to what have now become regular incidents of mass explosive diarrhoea at News Crap HQ,” Mr Minns said.

“We have recently seen numerous such outbreaks, especially affecting editorial staff on the floor housing The Australian’s newsroom.

“There was one back in April when Foreign Minister Penny Wong floated the idea that Australian might one day recognise a Palestinian state.

“Then just earlier this month there was another mass diarrhoea episode when Australia’s delegation to the United Nations voted to give the Palestinian’s UN observers some fairly innocuous extra entitlements.

“It was becoming such a regular event that I understand locals here were nicknaming the place ‘Slurry Hills’.

“But seriously, my government decided to commission these new ambulances because we could see that with no real end in sight to the Israel-Hamas war, there was a need for a standing capability in Holt Street to respond whenever any or all of The Australian’s columnists, commentators, or reporters are struck with explosive diarrhoea on the receipt of similar news reports.

“Luckily the full fleet of 12 vehicles was ready to swing into action this morning after news that the International Criminal Court had recommended the arrest for war crimes of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his defence minister as well as Hamas leaders.

“The new fleet has so far worked perfectly, with each of the 12 ambulances shuttling back and forth from News Crap’s building to a range of Sydney hospitals until all affected staff at The Australian were hospitalised for treatment,” he said.

Mr Minns conceded that if the Israel-Hamas war dragged on, the government may need to consider expanding the new fleet.

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