WASHINGTON DC: The Biden administration says it has taken swift action after revealing that Israel had more than likely used American-supplied weapons in breach of international humanitarian law in some instances during its genocidal campaign against Palestinians in Gaza.

At the weekend the US State Department said it was “reasonable to assess” that arms supplied by the United States had been used in ways “inconsistent” with Israel’s international legal obligations.

Deputy Under-Secretary of State and former dean of Faber College, Vernon Wormer, (main picture) said he had taken immediate action and had ordered that Israel be placed on “double secret probation”.

“The time has come for someone to put their foot down,” he said, “and that foot is me.”

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BALTIMORE: Following years of laboratory and field work scientists researching various forms of amnesia and dementia at the world renowned Johns Hopkins University’s School of Medicine in the US state of Maryland have announced a new measure to more accurately gauge the rate at which humans lose their memory.

In a peer-reviewed paper released today research team leader Professor Sarah Bellum said the new measure was now established as the shortest period in which a memory could fade from an individual’s mind.

“We have named the new memory-loss period as the ESCW,” Professor Bellum said. “It’s an acronym for Eurovision Song Contest Winner.

“We have been observing the annual contest for decades now and have determined that the winning song is given a rapturous reception when announced but almost immediately fades from public consciousness.

“It’s that very, very short period that we have now been able to isolate for use as a benchmark in our ongoing memory-loss research.”

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SYDNEY: Unavoidable maintenance of essential video recording equipment at Sky News Australia’s studios means the network’s team of “after dark” commentators will not be able to provide live coverage and reaction to tonight’s Federal Budget.

“But viewers of Sky News need not fear,” CEO Paul Whittaker said. “They’ll still be able to enjoy our traditional coverage of a Labor Party budget.

“Peta Credlin, Paul Murray, James Morrow, Rowan Dean and all the others on our after-dark roster were very busy all weekend pre-recording their understandably negative reactions to the economically reckless initiatives to be revealed in the budget as well as their interviews with each other bagging it mercilessly.

“It’s all in the can and will be ready to go to air as soon as Jim Chalmers ends his speech,” Mr Whittaker said.

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