MIAMI: Former President Donald Trump’s campaign team has finally – and definitively -explained its reluctance to embrace South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem as his vice-presidential running mate in this year’s US presidential election.

Governor Noem hit the headlines this week with excerpts from her forthcoming memoir outlining her actions in shooting dead an allegedly misbehaving pet puppy and troublesome goat.

“Donald Trump was at first fascinated and impressed with the amount of publicity the Governor’s book extracts generated, and that’s a good way to get his attention,” a Trump campaign insider said.

“But then the rest of us on his strategy team read more and more of the extracts and we soon decided to cross her name off the shortlist for V-P nominees.”

The Trump campaign insider said the ex-President’s campaign team was especially concerned about lines in the Noem book that said she had shot the puppy after concluding it was “uncontrollable and a danger to people” and had likewise despatched the goat which she viewed as “mean and nasty” with a “disgusting, musky, rancid” smell.

“As soon as we read those lines we concluded that if she was that insightful then we shouldn’t let Governor Noem anywhere near President Trump, especially with a gun,” the insider said.

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HEAVEN: Almighty God has revealed she and her son, Jesus of Nazareth, plan to launch legal action against former prime minister Scott Morrison for what they say are “blatant lies and distortions” in his new book Plans for Your Good: A prime minister’s testimony of God’s faithfulness.

The Omnipotent Being (below) said she was fed up with repeated claims by Morrison that he had engaged in personal and direct conversations with her and her son.

“These are outright lies. I’ve never had a conversation with him,” God said. “So I will be starting legal action to block the sale of his book which is clearly designed to trade off my and my son’s good names just to make money.”

God said she was waiting on Jesus to sign the necessary legal documents to enable their action to proceed.

“My son’s not here right now. In fact he’s been away for quite a while and I can’t say when he’ll be returning, so I guess I’ll just have to wait for a bit,” she said.

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LONDON: Former UK prime minister Boris Johnson has lambasted the red tape which initially prevented him from voting at this week’s local council elections.

Mr Johnson (below) was furious after being turned away from his local polling booth for not carrying the personal identification needed to obtain a ballot paper.

“I say chaps, and chapettes, what sort of tommy rot is this? What?” he exclaimed to reporters outside the polling station.

Reporters then explained to him that the ID requirements were contained in his own government’s electoral reform laws passed in 2022.

“Hey ho! My point entirely,” he responded without missing a beat. “It’s more evidence of the heavy hand of Brussels and proof that we needed Brexit all along.”

As reporters tried to quiz the ex-PM further he began tap dancing away from them singing Land of Hope and Glory before jumping into a waiting car and being driven away.

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