Can you believe that winter is still a full month away and you and so many other sooky, spoilt, Australians are already freezing your/their tits off? Well, the world’s most famous soothsayer can’t keep you warm during May but he can keep you safe if you follow his sage advice.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder if online bookies are taking bets on what will be the price of Scott Morrison’s new $34.99 religious tome, Plans For Your Good: A Prime Minister’s Testimony of God’s Faithfulness, when it first appears in the remainder bins at bookshops in Australia and the US.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

$3.99? $1.99? Or just big bundles of them under a hand-written sign that says “Please take as many as you like!”

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

And yet the better part of you really does hope Morrison makes a lot of money out of his new book because his particular magic sky daddy, the Originator of this particular nasty Pentecostal brand of totally un-Christian-like Prosperity Theory (and didn’t Jesus love socking it away?) will suspect the former PM really doesn’t love Him all that much if he doesn’t make a motza, a large proportion of which he will be then expected to stuff into the collection plates at next Sunday’s happy-clapping Horizon Church service. Too harsh?

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You dream that immediately prior to a TV interview Deputy PM and Defence Minister, Richard Marles, is suddenly struck by a mysterious neurological event disrupting his usual thought and speech patterns and goes on to give a series of sharp, informative, and coherent answers.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

In the same dream you have visions of the affliction also hitting Bob Katter Jr, but in his interview he sounds just as he always does.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You become an instant millionaire when you successfully trademark the phrase “Fucking Telstra” and can legally demand a $50 fee from anyone who uses it from now on.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You seek professional help after reading a Parnell Palme McGuinness article in The Sun-Herald that almost made sense.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You make a fortune off your friends who have never taken an interest in politics by luring them to your place, surreptitiously making them watch any political interview programs featuring Tasmanian Senator Jacqui Lambie, then betting them that she will start looking angry, raise her voice, and start swearing a little over half-way through.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You are not at all embarrassed when, hearing Lisa Millar on ABC News Breakfast declaring while almost wringing her hands in despair: “When are we going to see King Charles in public again?” you involuntarily shout out: “Who fucking cares?!”

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You spend all night staring at your bedroom ceiling and wondering if you’re the only person in Australia – and possibly the world for that matter – who has never watched an episode of Bluey.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You spend another full night staring at your bedroom ceiling and wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who has never watched an episode of Father Brown, even though it’s about to start its 10th season on the ABC.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You also wonder, but mainly in the daytime, if you’re the only person in Australia who has never found Hamish Blake and Andy Lee all that funny.

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