BEIJING: China’s President Xi Jinping remains in a military hospital here (pictured) as he makes a slow recovery from a dreadful fright suffered yesterday morning at around 11.10am local time.

The Chinese leader-for-life collapsed in his presidential office near the Forbidden Palace as interpreters relayed the news that Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Minister Richard Marles had just told the National Press Club that Australia would increase defence spending from $50 billion to $100 billion a year by 2034.

President Xi apparently shouted “No!” in Chinese before clasping his head in both hands, with his face etched with what aides described as clear signs of having been given a dreadfully terrible fright.

And at the moment the Australian deputy leader declared, before most of his audience fell asleep, that Australia could not afford a long-range missile and attack drone gap until the country received its full complement of nuclear submarines by the 2050s (below), President Xi lost consciousness and slumped to the floor.

The Bug understands that in order to help with his recovery, President Xi when he came to in hospital some hours later cheered himself up by ordering that two extra nuclear submarines and an undisclosed number of extra warships, long-range missiles and underwater anti-submarine attack drones be built and put into service by the end of the month.

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