AUSTRALIAN AT WAR:

The Australian newspaper has declared war on Iran following the Islamic republic’s overnight decision to launch missile attacks on Israel.

Editor-in-chief of News Crap Australia’s national broadshit The Australian, Michelle Gunn, announced the news in a sombre address to the nation. (below)

“Fellow Australians, it is my melancholy duty to inform you officially that in consequence of a persistence by Iran in her overnight attacks, Israel has declared war upon her and that, as a result, The Australian is also at war,” Ms Gunn said.

“No harder task can fall to the lot of an editor-in-chief than to make such an announcement.”

Ms Gunn went on to reveal that she had immediately implemented an in-house conscription program and had been pleased with the immediate positive response by staff, among them senior commentators and columnists.

“One of the first to sign up to fight was Greg Sheridan (below) who said he was very keen to set an example to all others given that he has been among the loudest and strongest supporters of Israel and all of its military operations,” she said.

“Similarly, Gerard Henderson (main picture) will be leading our efforts in the air and is ready to take off as soon as possible and head to the Middle East.

“Gerard told me that he is very keen to strike down Iranian drones and cruise missiles and if he happens to destroy a few dozen Palestinian schools, hospitals, or apartment blocks in passing then he’s prepared to pay that price.

“God bless our boys, is all I can say,” a tearful Ms Gunn said.

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