MEDIA NEWS:

Ambulances, bulldozers, and biohazard clean-up teams are still at work after being  called to the inner-Sydney headquarters of the national broadshit The Australian when news broke yesterday of Foreign Minister Penny Wong’s statement floating the idea of Australia recognising a Palestinian state.

Several blocks around the company’s Holt Street building in Surry Hills were locked down after NSW Police officers, NSW Health rapid response teams, and Sydney City Council sanitation staff rushed to the scene to grapple with a severe outbreak of explosive diarrhoea in The Australian newsroom that saw faeces spill into the street outside the building. (main picture)

An anonymous source within the newsroom said the scene soon after the news of Wong’s statement broke was “utter devastation”.

“Every senior editor, columnist, commentator, and reporter who heard the news immediately shat themselves,” the source said.

“It began when Greg Sheridan tried to shuffle into the newsroom holding his mug of hot cocoa and screaming ‘No! No! No!’ in disbelief.

“He was already shitting his dressing gown and he soon slid on the trail of almost-liquid poo he was blasting out his back end which had the effect of propelling him a lot faster than he usually moves.

“I caught a glimpse of him as he skidded past me and smacked head on into Gerard Henderson who was also slipping and sliding on what I thought at first were brown marbles or Maltesers dropping out from under his trouser cuffs.

“The two men bounced off each other a couple of times but steadied themselves, with both saying in unison: ‘It’s not what Bibi wants!’

“As usual Gerard also asked of no one in particular: ‘Did she say it on the ABC?’

“As news of the Foreign Minister’s comments filtered across the newsroom, other columnists and reporters started crapping themselves but – being professionals and well-practised – many also took to their keyboards and began tapping out denunciations of Wong.

“Peta Credlin was at her ambidextrous best and more – writing vicious take-downs of Wong on three keyboards at once, one for The Oz and the others for her News Crap turdbloid column and her Sky News after-dark script.

“Simon Benson sat in the middle of the chaos hatching brown trouts at a rapid rate and screaming aloud what he was writing: ‘There is no way Israel could accept another state alongside it which is committed to its destruction. Surely it’s up to the Palestinians to accept a state committed to their destruction.’

“I left soon after, not being able to stand the smell, but stayed long enough to see the crap reach windowsill height and start spilling out down the side of the building into Holt Street.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen so much shit pour out of that building since Gerard Henderson released his book Cardinal Pell, The Media Pile-On & Collective Guilt,” the source said.

At last report the biohazard and toxic-spill response teams had reduced the amount of faeces blocking Holt Street and steam cleaners were expected to complete a deep clean of the newsroom before the end of today.

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