April will be an absolute breeze – albeit a slightly cooler one – if you heed the wise advice of arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer, the incredible Kisma Aryias who has forecast futures exclusively – and with unerring accuracy – for The Bug for 35 years!
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
Your view that you’ve been a rather unlucky person your entire life is more or less confirmed when you win two tickets to Riverdance’s 25th Anniversary stage show later in the month.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Your concern that your specialist might prescribe strong drugs to deal with your chronic sex addiction is eased when all he does is hand you an envelope containing pictures of Michaelia Cash.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You do spend some time wondering, if our First Nations people didn’t have a written language, when Fraser island was renamed K’gari, how did they know the aboriginal word contained a silent K and an apostrophe?
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Your fellow star signs all agree that your recent activity has finally confirmed their long-held suspicions of your republican leanings.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
Your pub mates slap you on the back and several admit they’d never realised what a funny man you are after you blurt out after a few schooners that you are really missing Eddie Maguire and Millionaire Hot Seat.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and poorly lit lane late at night and armed with a 3.4kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who first thought up the idea of reality television shows.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
You reckon it’s a bit late and redundant for the ABC’s resident psephologist Antony Green to make the call today that Vladimir Putin has won the election for President of the Russian Federation until you are told Green was actually talking about the 2030 election.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You continue to be embarrassed over the way you Engadined your pants laughing when you heard Scott Morrison declare in that podcast of how he handled his four years as prime minister: “And, so, humility, I think, is one of the most important things you need in life. It keeps you real. It keeps your feet on the ground”.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Except when you’re tackling young soccer players miraculously right in front of media photographers during an election campaign photo opp?
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You seek professional help after realising you’ve become a regular viewer of Tipping Point and actually enjoy the absurdity and total irrelevance of it all. Or was that help sought because you think Todd Woodbridge is rather sexy and your wife noticed the way you were reacting to him onscreen?
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
You are surprised to hear that Cirque du Soleil is returning to our shores because you thought they had run out of really silly names to call each of their shows.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You really do wonder how the federal Opposition is going to make cost of living pressures a major issue at the next election considering they’ve opposed just about every relief measure the Albanese government has introduced over the past 22 months, except for the personal income tax changes they’ve reluctantly supported but have signalled they’ll change if they gain power. Sorry to end what is normally a flippant and silly stars column with such a political statement but, really, isn’t Peter Dutton an absolute cunt?
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