EXCLUSIVE:

A sound specialist commissioned by The Bug to examine the video message released by Catherine the Princess of Wales at the weekend says she is “upbeat and positive” about her future. While other media outlets have employed body language experts to watch the video and decipher the Princess’s state of mind The Bug engaged highly specialised sound specialist, Desi Bell (main picture), to assess the message. In this exclusive interview he explains what he discovered.

The Bug: Mr Bell can you explain to readers what your work entails.

DB: Please, call me Desi.

The Bug: Okay. Desi, can you explain to readers….

DB: Hang on, no need to repeat the question. I heard it loud and clear, as you’d expect.

The Bug: Oh, of course.

DB: You’ve heard of body language experts.?

The Bug: Yes.

DB: Well, body language experts look at the physical presentation of people – their gait, gestures, and other movements and positioning of their bodies – to draw conclusions about their state of mind. 

The Bug: So what do you do?

DB: I determine a person’s state of mind by listening to a very specific type of noise they make.

The Bug: How specific?

DB: Well, using my highly complex listening devices (main picture) I trawl interviews or other video or audio recordings for any signs of flatulence and from that, combined with my vast experience, I can decipher a person’s state of mind.

The Bug: So you’re essentially an audio analyst.

DB: Well, I’m not so much an audio analyst. I’m more of an anal audioyst.

The Bug: I see. So what did you make of the statement by the Princess at the weekend?

DB: It became very clear to me at about the 90-second mark of her video message that the Princess is both naturally very concerned about her future but also very optimistic, upbeat, and positive.

The Bug: How could you tell?

DB: Well at that point of her message she exhibited signs of an RCL and I could pick up a very short sharp FE.

The Bug: An arsey ell? And an effy?

DB: No, no. An RCL – R-C-L. It stands for right-cheek lift. FE stands for flatulent episode.

The Bug: Oh, I see.

DB: Yes, I’m sorry if it gets a bit too technical here, but a right-cheek lift occurs when someone who is seated shifts their body weight to their left arse cheek, enabling their right cheek to lift slightly and allow for an FE – flatulent episode. They only do it if they are very confident of themselves and in a positive frame of mind. In this case I heard a very slight, almost undetectable escape of royal wind. Easily mistaken for background noise if the video is recorded outdoors.

The Bug: Which it was.

DB: Indeed.

The Bug: So you detected an FE after an RCL? And from that you could determine her state of mind?

DB: Absolutely.

The Bug: And we’ve paid you for this?

DB: Yes. handsomely, I might add.

The Bug: Okay, thanks for that. I think we’ll end the interview right there.

DB: You don’t want me to talk about the MT – muffled trombone – I picked up at the 90-second mark?

The Bug: No.

DB: Or the BCB – bum crack bubble – I heard pop soon after? How about the PFT – possible follow-through at ….

The Bug: I’m leaving now. See yourself out.

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