Okay, all you BUGers out there! Close your eyes and imagine your nostrils are right up against Peter Costello’s arsehole. The coit of the chairman of Nine Entertainment Co, publishers of the SMH, is not smelling too bad right now, is it?

Now keep the eyes closed and get up close and personal in the same way with the rectal sphincters of Michelle Gunn and Kelvin Healey. They are the editor-in-chief and editor of The Australian

All three’s bottoms are just about smelling of roses, right? You could safely eat a meal off the muckholes of all three, you’d reckon?

And for that to be the case, we say thanks to the joint winners of The Bug’s Media Glass House Arse-Lickers for the month of February – David Crowe and Paul Kelly.

Both these columnists – Crowe for Nine Entertainment Co.’s The Sydney Morning Herald; the editor at large Paul Kelly at The Australian – have in the past day or so done their absolute best to reinvent Australian political history from 2018 to 2022.

To accompany Scott Morrison’s departure from federal politics 20 months too late, both these men – along with the vast bulk of the mainstream mediocre – are engaged in a disgraceful case of indefensible revisionism as to Morrison’s four-odd years as PM.

The Bug’s Arse-Licker of the Year judges were simply stunned by the ringmastery of both of them, the absolute cloaca-cleansing frenzy of their tongue work, as they put together an argument, no matter how pissweak and how totally against the reality of Morrison’s lazy, self-centred, egotistical, God-fearing and moronic ways of his so-called leadership, that somehow Morrison did some good things.

Here’s just one paragraph from Crowe that garnered him this month’s co-award. “But even [Morrison’s] very many haters should acknowledge he made the right calls at some big moments during his time as prime minister”.

And here’s Paul Kelly – remember long, long, ago how he could whip up a reasonable gravy of balanced and fair political assessment before sliding over to the very dark side – with this: “It is a safe bet that as the tyranny of the present fades, history will reveal what really mattered and Morrison’s record is likely to loom in far more favourable terms.”

See what Kelly has done there. This “the tyranny of the present” that Kelly has identified must be the very reasonable attacks on Morrison’s time in power from a few outliers such as Crikey on the fringes of the MSM – ah, what tyranny and what a David v Goliath struggle! – and those detested citizen journos on X and other platforms telling it as it is. According to Kelly, Morrison’s image will improve greatly as columnists such as himself and Crowe continue their biased reshaping of their man’s image so that ‘history will reveal what really mattered’.

It’s all absolute bullshit from both right-wing columnists. They surely must know it.

Hire a hall, somewhere, Crowe and Kelly, add a third debating member to your team – Gerard Henderson, Andrew Bolt, Janet Albrechtsen, the James’s Campbell or Morrow? – and we’ll even give you the positive side in this: “That Scott Morrison did some reasonable stuff as PM.”

Among our Bug judges and general staff, we’ll field the negative team and we hope we don’t sound too immodest when we reckon we’d wipe the floor with the tosh you two are now trying to imbed in the public mind about Morrison’s time in Parliament.

We should keep our powder dry for this historic debate but seeing it will never happen we’ll start from the time when Morrison, as the relevant minister, watered down the rules and regulations for his mates running private aged care, the sector where just about all the 800-plus deaths happened in Victoria during the early days of the COVID pandemic.

Then there’s this: the fact that he was brought dragging and screaming to implement the Australian Council of Trade Unions’ call for a job-keeper scheme.

More? The shitty and highly expensive scheme Morrison’s side of politics introduced with no claw-back provisions for bosses rorting the scheme. Played its fair role in the Morrison government leaving office with a zillion dollar debt. That true humanitarian Gerry “Let them eat cake” Harvey still sends his love and kisses over that cashcow of a scheme, by the way.

MORE! We’re sounding like Oliver wanting a second plate of gruel!

There’s Morrison’s “it’s not a race” edict on vaccine procurement; the bullshit spread by him and the mainstream media that he had saved hundreds of thousands of Aussie lives; etc, fucking etc.

Do we need to go on?  The hundreds – some even claim 2,000 – suicides from the illegal Robodebt scheme that had Morrison’s grubby fingers all over it. 

The foolishly taken Hawaiian holiday – his office lied to hide it – and the following “I don’t hold a hose” debacle.

The “miracle” 2019 election win that had fuck-all to Morrison’s belief of his mastery of political marketing, where largely all he had to do were the photo ops showed him as the daggy-dad sports loving guy next door while the mainstream media did all the work for him. Well, backed by Clive Palmer’s poisonous and unprecedented $100 million-plus anti-Shorten add campaign. And just before polling, the massive “Labor plans death taxes” push that became the mother of all lies in a LNP campaign chockablock full of them.

Confession: we couldn’t stomach reading their cloying columns – their brown-nosing bluster – all the way through. Did they praise his role in Aukus? Apart from giving the Chinese a good laugh about how long it will take to blow them out of the water in some decades time, the chances of those nuclear subs ever arriving are about as good as staying awake for an entire Richard Marles media call.

So get a hall, Crowe and Kelly. Let’s have some fun.

We’re confident that our basic argument – that Morrison was a dreadful, lazy, lying, self-centred, egotistical, moronic devotee of a really shitty God with no redeeming heavenly features whatsoever, a not-very bright (he could barely get though a sentence without butchering a word) but nevertheless ruthless cunt – would make us come out comfortable winners.

Our worse PM ever? Probably. Maybe that could be the debating title: “That Scott Morrison was not our worst PM ever?” You can go first David Crowe. Love to see Andrew Bolt doing the rebuttal. If anyone can put a shitty argument together, it’s Bolt.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com