March through the first month of autumn with absolute confidence if you heed the wise advice of arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer, the incredible Kisma Aryias who has forecast futures exclusively – and with unerring accurace – for The Bug for 35 years!
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
You listened to the valedictory speech in Federal Parliament by Scott Morrison (main picture) and were none the wiser as to how his strong fundamentalist Pentecostal beliefs rested so easily with the fact that he much preferred a lie to escape his lips rather than the truth whenever he opened his gob.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
And you did reach for the chuck bucket when he said his religion always directed him to be kind and thoughtful to all his fellow humans.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You note that in his valedictory offering Morrison yet again failed to address the veracity of suggestions that he had totally shit and pissed himself at Engadine Maccas some years back.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
But then you realise that any forceful denial of the event on his part would have simply confirmed that it did happen.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Geez you’re a vindictive bastard of a star sign. He waited out his mum for 70 years to finally get the job and you couldn’t let him have just a few years to enjoy it, could you?
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You tell the coroner’s inquiry that as a dyslexic teacher at an exclusive private high school, it was not long into the special assembly being investigated that you started having misgivings at being asked to present student leaders with school badgers.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You are expelled from your local history association on the Redcliffe Peninsula north of Brisbane after outlining your theory that the name of the suburb of Kippa-Ring may have originated from the practice of early settlers hiding smoked fish in their rectums for safe keeping.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
Once shown the door by your fellow amateur historians you figure your chances of being readmitted might be improved if you refrain from airing your other theory that priapic pioneers had originally surveyed the Woody Point area.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway late at night and armed with a 3.7kg Duncan Fernley cricket bat, you encounter the fundamentalist Pentecostal “make money to show how much you love me!” deity that Scott Morrison worships so, so, very much.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
You stare at your ceiling for hours at night hoping to hell that the Chinese military have not been watching this week’s ABC News Breakfast series by Nate Burns on life aboard a Collins class submarine, for you have this understandable fear that they would be bursting out laughing at all the unstate-of-the-art technology on show. All those cathode-ray tubes!
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You are not at all surprised to hear that Scott Morrison’s upcoming 288-page tome, Plans for Your Good – A Prime Minister’s Testimony of God’s Faithfulness, has already been shortlisted for the Booker Prize for fiction.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
And you can’t wait for the book to start appearing in remainder bins at bookstores around the country because you figure they’d be a cheaper way to fuel your home’s fireplace or pot-bellied stove this coming winter than buying traditional firewood blocks from your local timberyard.
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