Former prime minister Scott Morrison departed federal parliament yesterday (main picture) but has promised to return to make more farewell speeches.

At the conclusion of his speech on Tuesday as the outgoing Member for Cook, Mr Morrison said he would be returning to the House of Representatives today to deliver his farewell speech as the former federal treasurer, and on future sitting days would give valedictory speeches as former finance minister, former health minister, former home affairs minister, and former resources minister. (below)

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In his speech yesterday Mr Morrison revealed he had been a high-profile and longstanding fan of the Cronulla-Sutherland NRL team by mistake.

The ex-PM – who famously said he did “not hold a hose” during a national bushfire crisis and declared some tasks he had been expected to undertake during the COVID crisis were not his job – told parliament that until recently he had been under the misapprehension that his local team was the Cronulla-Sutherland Shirks.

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God (below) has issued a celestial statement in which she yet again called on Mr Morrison to cease using her name to justify his decision-making record.

“This low-rent snake oil peddler needs to stop justifying his shabby record by telling everyone that I guide his every decision,” the Almighty Being said.

“It takes a lot to push me to my limit. But if this duplicitous deadbeat doesn’t stop trying to mask his incompetence by dragging me into the frame, then I guarantee that he’ll be having a very short post-politics life,” she said.

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Brisbane-based sculptor Clay Moddle says Mr Morrison’s departure from politics has seen an upsurge in money being donated to his crowdfunded plan for erecting a statue of the former PM on Cronulla Beach in the Cook electorate the ex-PM has held since 2007.

Mr Moddle said he had almost completed the 8m tall statue (artist’s impression below) which could be put in place within days.

He said there had been “a trickle” of donations to the fundraising website he established after the defeat of the Morrison Government in May 2022 but the ex-PM’s departure from parliament had seen “an avalanche” of donations sufficient to see the statue finished and located at a prime position on the beach south of Sydney.

“People do tend to make big donations once they are told that my plan has always been to build a big statue of Scott Morrison for the sole purpose of inviting everyone who donates down to Cronulla Beach to help tear it down, bash the bejesus out of it, set it alight, then push the fucker out to sea and sink it.”

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