LAW AND ORDER:

A new style of leadership will be imposed on the Queensland Police Service (QPS) following the sudden resignation of Commissioner Katarina Carroll.

Queensland Government sources said Commissioner Carroll’s replacement would not be a single individual nor a serving police officer.

“Instead we will be appointing a Council of Commissioners composed entirely of non-police who will provide collective leadership to the QPS,” a senior government source said.

“We will be working off a shortlist of radio shock jocks, News Crap Australia turdbloid editors, the Voice for Victims leaders and members of vigilante-style online discussion forums who have all been banging on about youth crime and other offences and who all say they have the answers to the problem.

“We think that if this is what the public wants and if they think this will work, then we should give it to them.

“This new style of leadership will include new laws to be passed through State Parliament as soon as possible giving Queensland police the right to impose summary justice without trial on offenders or suspected offenders, which also seems to be what the public wants.

“If this new system works, then it should start to pay dividends very quickly, certainly before late October we hope.

“To accommodate the new system we are also bringing back capital punishment not only as a deterrent to would-be crims but also as a public spectacle and possibly an Olympic event come 2032.”

The spokesperson said work was already under way on a multiple-person gallows at Brisbane’s Suncorp Stadium (main picture) to cater for the expected flow of offenders or possible offenders.

“As a result we’ll be asking that the stadium be renamed as Hang Park which should make a lot of traditionalists happy.

“Of course if we do end up building a new and bigger stadium at the Gabba we’ll shift the gallows there because obviously this style of justice must not only be dumb but must be seen to be dumb,” the spokesperson said.