Lord Downer is urging Australian television viewers not to watch ABC TV’s upcoming Nemesis 2 program examining his 1995 fall as leader of the federal Liberal Party.

Speaking to assembled reporters at his family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, His Lordship said when he first heard that the ABC was working on the currently screening three-part Nemesis series he had contacted the national broadcaster’s chair Dame Ita Buttrose.

“I assumed she was titled otherwise she would not hold such a position,” he explained.

“I spoke at length at Dame Ita and referenced what was then the yet-to-be-screened series of three 90-minute episodes about the machinations within the Liberal Party that had brought undone prime ministers Sir Tony Abbott, Viscount Turnbull, and Pastor Morrison.

“I told Dame Ita that if the ABC thought there was intrigue enough in the Nemesis series it must make a second series exposing those rapscallions behind my downfall as Liberal Party leader.

“Those of you who are sentient,” he said, waving a laced kerchief at the assembled reporters, “will know that my loss of the party leadership can be explained only by vicious and senseless undermining within the ranks of Liberal MPs who were clearly jealous of my stature, style, and vision.

“I was guaranteed and looking forward to fulfilling my destiny by becoming our nation’s prime minister – something I richly deserved given my family’s single-handed efforts at building our great nation.

“If not for the undermining of my brilliant leadership, I may very well still occupy that august office almost 30 years later,” His Lordship said as his lips quivered, his voice broke, and he staggered sideways as if to fall into a deep swoon.

After a waiting under-footman caught him and provided His Lordship with vial of smelling salts from which he drew deeply, he continued his address.

“To my delight Dame Ita agreed to commission Nemesis 2 which, from our conversation, I assumed would also be screened in three 90-minute episodes to explain how and why our nation was denied my services as perhaps its greatest ever leader.

“But now I am advised that the ABC has finished the program which will be shown in a single 15-minute episode consisting almost entirely of footage of me delivering my ‘Things That Batter’ speech – 10 minutes if you take out the opening and closing credits

“This is a betrayal of the trust I put in Dame Ita and only confirms that the many and varied communist collective propagandists at the ABC are undermining the very fabric and future of our nation by focussing on silly frivolous woke ephemera such as facts. Damn their eyes!

“I urge all my subjects not to watch this new program as it does nothing to canvass the many great achievements of my leadership over what I like to call the Liberal Party’s ‘Downer years’,” His Lordship thundered.

At that a reporter voiced his view that perhaps it would have been more accurate if His Lordship had referred to “the Downer three-quarters of a year”.

Lord Downer cut the offender a withering look and the aforementioned under-footman – correctly interpreting His Lordship’s severe purse of the lips as a signal that the media conference was at an end – advised the assembled media to collect their goods and chattels and depart Pout House without delay.

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