A short ceremony after this year’s traditional winter Groundhog Day event in the small Pennsylvania town of Punxsutawney has delivered a prediction for the outcome of the November US presidential elections.

On Friday the town’s civic leaders declared that the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil had not seen his own shadow when he emerged from the box in which he was being held which supposedly indicated an early spring.

Immediately following the main event, a shorter ceremony took place in which a second groundhog, Punxsutawney Donald (main picture), saw his own shadow and declared it the “best shadow anyone has ever had”.

“It’s a beautiful shadow. I don’t know anyone or anything that has ever had a better shadow,” the groundhog declared, adding that it indicated the advent of a four-year period which would see “America made great again, sleepy senile Joe Biden in jail along with lots of judges and prosecutors, and term limits for US presidents scrapped”.

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Republican Party co-chair of the US Senate’s Judiciary Committee, Senator Lindsey Graham, says he is extremely pleased with the outcome of this week’s hearings which forced CEOs of tech giants such as Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg to face parents of children who have died after being exposed to online bullying, sexual exploitation, or other harmful practices.

“It was a good to have Mr Zuckerberg and others confronted by the parents who have lost children simply because big online corporations just want to run rampant and continue putting profits before young lives,” Senator Graham said.

“The Judiciary Committee is achieving a lot by taking a sensible and bipartisan approach that is progressing new laws to mandate more online safeguards that will stop the current, entirely preventable loss of young lives.”

When asked if he or other Republican Party members of the US Congress might take the same approach and work with Democrats to reform US gun laws and save more children’s lives, the South Carolina senator was blunt.

“Fuck off,” he replied.

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US tech billionaire Elon Musk says the first brain implant of a computer chimp made by his Neuralink company has been a “wild success”.

“The chip will help individuals who already have fantastically large brains to increase their brain activity by, for example, just thinking authoritarian, borderline racist, and antisemitic thoughts and have them immediately posted on social media platforms such as X,” he explained.

Mr Musk (below) has continued to refuse to reveal the identity of the first transplant patient.

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