February will be your friend if you heed the wise advice of arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer, the incredible Kisma Aryias who has forecast futures exclusively for The Bug for 35 years!
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
While you didn’t mind the first episode of the ABC documentary Nemesis that covers the nine years of the Abbott, Turnbull and Morrison governments, you were a bit disappointed that only ex-PM Scott Morrison was interviewed and none of his senior ministers who were his strongest supporters during his four years in power, including Scott Morrison, Scott Morrison, Scott Morrison, Scott Morrison and Scott Morrison. Maybe we’ll hear from them in the final instalment.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
After various current and ex-pollies interviewed on Nemesis call Tony Abbott highly intelligent and his government centre-right, you suspect the program will come under the comedy category at this year’s AACTA Awards.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You hear on the grapevine that the original title for Nemesis was going to be The Fool, The Fizza and The Fraud.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
It saddens you greatly that almost the entire mainstream media could be made to sit down and watch all episodes of Nemesis a hundred times over and not only would they still think the LNP deserves to be returned at year’s next federal election as a God-given right but would remain totally committed to writing and spouting whatever’s fucking necessary to make that happen. And to think all those cunts call themselves journalists.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
You feel just a tad sad that the UK version of Tipping Point can have average Britons behaving calmly and nicely yet the Aussie version has to have them squealing, shouting and fist-pumping and acting like complete idiots.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You tell your fellow star signs that you are considering changing your name to Trump because he is far more malignant than you’ll ever be.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You take a long walk to clear your head as Channel 9 kicks off its latest season of I’ll Marry You Sight Unseen But There’s No Way I’m Going Down On That!
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You stand in awe of the originality of ideas within Australian free-to-air networks when you read that Deal or No Deal – axed by the Seven Network a decade ago – will soon reappear on Network 10.
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
Then again you start to think that maybe Network 10 is right to appeal to a whole new generation of viewers – the ones that over the past decade have taken the place of the old coots who watched DONO on Seven but have died since, or maybe because, it was taken off air.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You wonder if there’s a German-style word like schadenfreude to describe the deep depression struggling Australians who can’t afford streaming services must be feeling as they are bombarded with promos for all the reality-TV type shit the free-to-air networks plan to inflict on them in 2024.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Feeling peckish, you drop into what you assume to be the new Muay Thai eatery near your house and, after loudly abusing staff when they reveal they don’t sell Asian food, you do end up with a take-away box – containing your front teeth.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
Your best guess is that if Tony Abbott had been described just one more time on Nemesis as highly intelligent, Mensa International would have instigated court proceedings.
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