Lord Downer has announced his solution to the growing community division over the celebration of Australia Day.

His Lordship this morning summoned media representatives to his family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills to outline his proposal.

Household staff at the sprawling estate’s main gates checked the antecedents of reporters on arrival, pointing to an official notice signed by His Lordship posted on a gate post declaring that “only true Australians” would be admitted to the news conference.

Reporters received no definitive answer when staff were asked to define “true Australians”, however they did notice that representatives of several ethnic media outlets were refused admission.

Lord Downer arrived at the news conference at the front doors of Pout House with his daughter, Countess Lady Georgina Downer (main picture), as heralds trumpeted his personal fanfare Oh Thy Comely Stilettoed Stockinged Calves.

His Lordship then waved his swagger stick at reporters to signal for all to stand for the national anthem.

After the playing of God Save The King Lord Downer announced that he would, as usual, be taking no questions unless a reporter could identify and verify themself as being of noble blood.

“Australia Day is no longer the day it once was,” he began.

“It no longer reflects the true purpose of the day – to give all Australians cause to pause and reflect on the efforts of my family to single-handedly build the nation we – well, some of us – enjoy and revere today.

“To that end I propose that we drop January 26 as a day of celebration and instead adopt September 9 each year – the day of my birth – as the start of national celebrations.

“I further propose that such celebrations end on September 29 each year – the day etched in history marking the arrival on earth of my dear darling daughter Georgina,” His Lordship said while his voice broke and tears welled in his eyes.

“So, instead of a single Australia Day, my initiative will give our nation almost a full month of celebrations which I suggest should be named Downer Month as my family’s name in synonymous with our beloved nation and all those who make it their home by arranging to be born here to good families of means.

“As heir to my physical, political, and philosophical fortunes my dear darling Georgina should, by rights, now be leading our nation as I so nearly did.

“So far those who determine these matters have callously and impudently prevented her elevation to her rightful position and have instead insisted that she run the gauntlet of so-called ‘preselection’ for standing in a so-called ‘election’ where she is expected to lower herself by seeking the so-called ‘votes’ of those who are clearly of a lower class.

“This is an intolerable position,” His Lordship said, his voice wavering. “I for one will do all I can to ensure she is given the rightful recognition she deserves.”

At that, His Lordship signalled the end of the news conference and his intention to depart by using his swagger stick to strike a nearby under-houseman who in turn summoned a special gilt two-seater sedan chair to carry Lord and Lady Downer the few metres to the front doors of Pout House.

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