RETAIL SALES:

The Governor of the Reserve Bank of Australia, Michele Bullock, is in a critical condition in a Sydney hospital after being injured at yesterday’s Boxing Day sales. (main picture)

Ms Bullock spent yesterday outside a number of Sydney’s major department stores and shoppingtowns attempting to stop consumers entering to buy marked-down goods.

“She turned up here before opening time and started yelling through a megaphone at people who were in the queue waiting for the doors to open,” one security guard at a Sydney CBD department store said.

“She told them they were about to fuel inflation and ruin her and the RBA’s efforts to get it under control. But it had no effect. People told her to leave and stop annoying them.”

It is understood Ms Bullock visited numerous retail outlets in and around the Sydney CBD before opening time and tried in vain to turn people away.

She sustained numerous injuries at the David Jones store in Elizabeth Street after being crushed underfoot by a surge of shoppers when its doors opened.

An ambulance was called and she was rushed to the emergency department of the Sydney Private Hospital where she remains in in-patient care.

When The Bug rang her room at the hospital and spoke to Ms Bullock she confirmed she was in a critical condition.

“Of course I’m critical,” she said. “I’m definitely critical of all those selfish bastards spending up big and destroying all the good work we – the RBA – have done.

“We’ve lifted and lifted interest rates or at best kept them unchanged for month after month in a bid to remove excessive demand from the economy that fuels inflation.

“Now the Australian Retail Association says post-Christmas sales are expected to generate almost $24 billion in the next fortnight.

“Well whoop-di-doo! What am I and other RBA directors meant to do? We’re not skilled economists shepherding the economy through tough times with our subtle but extensively informed decisions each month.

“We’re one-trick ponies with one brutal response – lift, hold, or lower the cash rate and therefore interest rates.

“So yes, of course I’m critical of all those selfish bastards undoing all we’ve done just so they can save a few bucks on goods that have been marked up not long before being marked down. Fuckwits,” she said before slamming the phone down.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com