Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has launched what has now become his traditional  festive season attack on South Australia’s Labor Party government for what he describes as its “senseless woke efforts to kill Christmas”.

His Lordship called media representatives to his family seat of Pout House this morning to attend the dressing of its Christmas tree and to hear him direct a stream of abuse at Premier Peter Malinauskas and his government.

“The so-called ‘Labor Party government’ – certainly a contradiction in terms if ever there was one – tried its hardest last year to destroy my efforts to celebrate the festive season,” His Lordship began.

“I am not sure who among you are sentient,” he said while retrieving a lorgnette and using it to cast his eyes at the skulls of the reporters present.

“That is something I could determine only by extensive phrenological assessment, and we have no time for that today,” he said, folding and pocketing his lorgnette.

“But those of you with a modicum of brain function may recall that last year the state government made the impudent decision to ban my use of a living angel atop my family’s Christmas tree.

“They claimed that the mere act of strapping to the top of the tree one of Pout House’s second pantry maids and leaving her there for the duration of the festive season without food or water (below) was somehow an infringement of her so-called ‘human rights’ and was in breach of so-called ‘workplace health and safety’ so-called ‘laws’.

“How dare they try to tell me how to celebrate Christmas,” His Lordship thundered. “Damn their eyes, the lot of them.

“Gadzooks man! The living angel had been a tradition of my family since we single-handedly established this nation.”

At that point His Lordship grew agitated, locked his lips in a severe purse and began to swoon, only to be steadied by a Pout House page boy standing nearby who produced from his breeches a bottle of smelling salts from which Lord Downer took a stiffening draught.

Once visibly stiffened His Lordship then proceeded.

“Because of the impossible and unreasonable restrictions being imposed on me and my family by the so-called ‘government’, this year we will instead install a large silver star atop our Christmas tree,” he explained before using his swagger stick to point in the direction of several naked young Pout House footmen struggling with the decoration.

“When I say a silver star I mean it. The star is real solid silver.

“Those of you who schooled somewhere decent, as I did at Radley, would know that silver is a very dense material.

“Much like yourselves,” His Lordship added while sweeping a white-gloved hand to indicate the assembled reporters.

“That is why I have directed the household staff in charge of hoisting it atop the tree to shed all their clothing, as I know they will work up a considerable sweat and I do not want their bodily excretions soiling it.”

His Lordship’s gaze then turned to the footmen struggling with the star and remained there despite the efforts of the page boy who enquired if Lord Downer needed a further stiffening draught.  

“No need m’lad,” His Lordship replied

Noting Lord Downer’s attention could not be diverted from the erection efforts of the housemen the page boy took it upon himself to advise the reporters that annual Christmas gift-giving would now take place.

He directed reporters to deposit their gifts for Lord Downer at the Pout House gate as they departed.

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