FEDERAL POLITICS:
SYDNEY: Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has further enhanced his chances of re-election in mid-2025 by replacing “that snappy little crossbred poodle thing with a real man’s dog”.
The PM called media to Kirribilli House this morning to introduce them to Antrax, (above, left) his new three-legged, two-year-old pure-bred pitbull entire male.
“Stand well back or he’ll have a fucking piece of you,” Mr Albanese warned as he patted Antrax’s head while downing a litre can of Resch’s lager.
“Shit, that old bloke’s beer sure is top piss,” the PM added as he popped a second can from a slab at his feet and shared it with a slobbering and snarling dog.
“Who’s a good boy, then?” he asked before adding: “I could murder a pie floater right now.”
News Limited journalist Samantha Maiden praised Mr Albanese on his change of pet but asked why he’d made the shift.
“Polls we’re showing my vote was slipping away with real men in the western suburbs – tradies doing it tough with the cost of living crises currently affecting them.
“Our internal party research showed that a fluffy, expensive, trendy crossbred female cavoodle like Toto was just not cutting the mustard with them. They saw me cuddling Toto and rightly or wrongly saw me as a bit of a shirtlifter!”
“I was naturally delighted when I got guard dog Anthrax free of charge from a building site in my electorate where he killed two workers overnight who foolishly entered his patrolled area.
“Who’s a good boy, then!”
The PM recounted how Toto had waddled up the hallway at Kirribilli looking for a cuddle “and I just knocked him on the fucking head and tossed him into the harbour on the ebb tide. The silly little fucker struggled for a while until a two-metre bull shark took him under.
“Maybe I done the wrong thing there but who the fuck can afford vet bills at the moment?”
Maiden asked if the PM intended to let Anthrax fly on the prime-ministerial RAAF jet and Albanese responded with a cheery grin and a thumbs up.
“At least when Anthrax drops a rancid coil mid-air, it’ll be something worth avoiding, right, as it rolls around the aisle? They certainly won’t be the pathetic little pebbles Toto popped out.”
Sadly, the media call ended abruptly when Anthrax lunged forward and took a big bite out of Simon Benson’s upper right thigh.
Benson rushed back to News Corp HQ in Holt Street and pulled out some old Newspoll figures that showed that if Anthrax had been owned by Peter Dutton, voters would have been more confident in the viciousness and effectiveness of the attack under his preferred leadership and ministerial experience even though the general view remained that Dutton shouldn’t be allowed to own any pet because he’s such a dreadfully cruel cunt and couldn’t be trusteed to treat one at all well.
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