PERSON OF THE YEAR:
Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has lashed out at US-based international news magazine Time for failing to name him its Person of the Year.
After calling media representatives to his family seat Pout House, His Lordship said Time had made “a ghastly error” by snubbing him for the prestigious award in favour of US pop singer Taylor Swift.
A visibly upset Lord Downer was carried to Pout House’s east wing port cochere in a gilded sedan chair propelled by four young under-footmen clad only in what appeared to be lap-laps loosely tied around their waists.
On arrival His Lordship took time to explain to waiting reporters that he had personally fashioned the garments from some of his redundant silk lace kerchiefs and had also been responsible for fitting the coverings to protect the young men’s modesty.
“I took a very hands-on role in dressing these young lads and spent an eternity on my knees in front of them to ensure their accoutrements were just right as some of them had far more modesty than others,” he trilled.
Lord Downer then directed a nearby butler to distribute to reporters a hand-coloured daguerreotype of himself as Time’s Person of the Year.
“I submit that this photograph which I commissioned and posed for – even taking care to disport my own pussy – illustrates completely the mistake Time has made,” he said.
“I could just as easily have graced the cover of Time. After all, what does a warbling trollop from the lower orders have to offer the world compared with the nation’s, nay the world’s, most experienced, knowledgeable, and authoritative foreign minister?”
His Lordship answered his own question with: “Nothing!”
He then sat in silence for several moments clearly fuming with his lips in a more severe than usual purse.
In an effort to lighten the mood, a reporter noted some of His Lordship’s career highlights including:
- cracking a joke when briefly serving as Liberal Party leader that appeared to make light of domestic violence;
- posing in stilettoes and fishnet stocking;
- as Foreign Minister, backing the US-led Iraq invasion based on faulty intelligence about non-existent weapons of mass destruction;
- continuing to back the invasion after WMDs were not found;
- hindering international efforts on climate change by supporting the Howard Government’s stand against ratifying the Kyoto protocol;
- falsely claiming that asylum seekers at sea had thrown their children overboard;
- failing to take responsibility for $300 million illegally paid in overseas aid money to Iraq through the Australian Wheat Board;
- doing nothing to stop the USA jailing and torturing Australian citizens Mamdouh Habib and David Hicks as “enemy combatants”;
- doing nothing to prevent Hicks being jailed without trial for five years, then standing by when he was released only after pleading guilty without trial;
- doing nothing to protect Dr Mohamed Haneef when wrongly charged with terrorism and jailed;
- failing to take responsibility for the bugging of East Timor Government offices to eavesdrop on confidential internal discussions at a time the new nation was in negotiations with Australia over the Timor Gap oil and gas reserves; and
- wrongly claiming Vladimir Putin would not invade Ukraine.
The reporter than asked if His Lordship might take to the road with his own “Errors” tour.
The light-hearted question drew laughs from other media representatives, but not Lord Downer who merely pursed his lips tighter – if that were possible – before turning to one of his butlers to say: “Release the hounds.”
The news conference then ended as reporters scurried towards the nearest Pout House estate gate with the sounds of barking growing ever so loudly in their ears.
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