Someone on Shitter (the former Twitter now known as X or Xcreta) overnight described Bruce Lehrmann’s performance in the witness box yesterday as he sues Channel 10 and Lisa Wilkinson for defamation as the worse he’d seen since Captain Queeg in The Caine Mutiny in 1954.
Very funny comment and from what I’ve gleaned so far, the testimony-train-wreck observation is pretty spot on. And we can probably expect more of the same when the accused rapist returns to that witness box this morning for more cross – I imagine very cross – examination.
And I got to thinking how much fun it would be stand in those defence legal-eagle shoes and be skilful enough to make Lehrmann, already a wreck and a pathetic shell of the fine young man he once was before being so wrongly accused of rape, according to one of his four overpaid barristers, really lose his marbles once and for all.
Can I let you into a little secret? As an old newspaper court reporter I was far from alone in watching solicitors and barristers in action and wishing I could get a law degree in a cornflakes packet. Reckoned I could have done a pretty good job at the courtroom table; well, as good as many of the clowns I watched in action over the years. My court-reporting colleagues all thought the same. If only we could get a law ticket without having to study for it!
So, rather immodestly, here’s how I reckon things could have gone today if I’d just been given a chance to take on the accused rapist!
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): Mr Lehrman, you regard yourself as a thoughtful and kind person, a true gentleman in fact?
Lehrmann: That’s true I guess?
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): It’s why, after a night on the turps, you offered to bundle Brittany Higgins into an Uber with you to make sure she got home safely?
Lehrmann: That’s right. She was pretty legless.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): Home via Parliament House, that is?
Lehrmann: Yes, I had to duck in there just for a sec.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): You told security it was to grab some documents but that wasn’t true was it?
Lehrmann: No.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): In fact over time, you’ve given about three reasons to various authorities why you needed to go into your minister’s office and they were all lies, weren’t they?
Lehrmann Yes, but to be fair, it was just too embarrassing to admit the real reason.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me)): That you wanted to drink some whisky that wasn’t there and give Higgins one? Two if she asked nicely?
Lehrmann: Don’t be vulgar! She’s not my type. I had a girlfriend waiting at home for me and she was so looking forward to my arrival she’s left a pile of messages. If you must know – and I’m very ashamed about this – the reason I had to get into the Parliament House is because I had shit my pants at the nightclub – some dodgy hors d’oeuvres earlier at the Dock Hotel, I suspect – and I had a change of clothes in my office.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): Okay, then! Fair enough. And as you’ve mentioned before, once in the minister’s office, you both turned in different directions and you never saw her again?
Lehrmann: That’s right.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): And later after you finally found your change of clothes and put them on, you exited out a back door? Wouldn’t the true gentleman you think you are have called out at the very least, or had gone looking for Brittany to make sure she was okay, being as drunk as she was?
Lehrmann: Well, sure, I could have done that but I really did think she had left.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): Really?
Lehrmann: Yes, I’ve never mentioned this before but I heard her yell out “See ya Bruce!” Well, something like that, anyway?
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): It wasn’t “Ruth!” and the poor thing was just spewing her guts up?
Lehrmann: Yeah, that works for me. Would explain why Minister Reynolds had the couch steamcleaned so quickly.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): Even so, any reason you can think of why she was found stark naked and still badly affected by drink on that couch in the minister’s office hours later?
Lehrmann: None whatsoever.
Arguably Australia’s finest ever silk (me): You really are full of shit, aren’t you?
Lehrmann: Well, I was a highly paid senior Liberal adviser.
Don Gordon-Brown
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