Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott is a shock late entrant in the NSW Liberal Senate vacancy race and party insiders say he is virtually assured of a return to federal Parliament.
Mr Abbott used The Bug exclusively to announce his late run for the Senate vacancy caused by the retirement of Marissa Payne. Other potential candidates are expected to withdraw in the face of this decision by arguably one of the this nation’s finest ever statesmen who, for far too short a time in this organ’s view, held the federal Parliament in his thrall.
Here is his exclusive interview with us.
The Bug: Mr Abbott, thanks for joining us today.
Tony Abbott: You bet I are.
The Bug: Sorry?
Tony Abbott: I bet you am? Are I?
The Bug:: What’s sparked this interest in a return to mainstream politics?
Tony Abbott: The central and starring role I played in the defeat of the racist and divisive Voice referendum. With that outcome I realised that I still had something to offer the Australian people.
The Bug: Racist dog-whistling through your basic argument that it was unfair to give 4 per cent of the Australian population something that wasn’t being offered to other Australians?
Tony Abbott: That’s white.
The Bug: Right?
Tony Abbott: Look, I have always fully supported our One Nations people….
The Bug: First Nations people?
Tony Abbott: Yes, that’s them. And sure the latest Closing the Gap figures show they still lag well behind other Australians on so many crucial life markers. Let me be clear on this. All that remains a national shame and scandal but they had their chance to do the right thing?
The Bug: Please explain?
Tony Abbott: When last in power, I made it abundantly clear that one solution to their problems was to let them return to their pre-colonisation ways and live as happy and contented basic hunter-gatherers in fenced-off traditional lands, free from wicked white ways and diseases.
The Bug: Not even tourist buses inside these “territories” to observe them living in the way they had done for tens of thousands of years? Could be a massive money-spinner?
Tony Abbott: Inside the Abbott-proof fences tours! Good idea. Electrified fences around large tracks of central Australian land with no agricultural or mining value wouldn’t come cheaply so daily tours would be necessary of course to help offset running costs but buses would need to keep all windows closed and travel at a respectful distance.
The Bug: Like with whale-watching?
Tony Abbott: Exactly!
The Bug: A hundred metres?
Tony Abbott: Well, certainly outside spear and boomerang range.
The Bug: What issues will you be campaigning on if you return to Canberra?
Tony Abbott: Well, I’ll certainly be campaigning hard to end the Aged Pension.
The Bug: Really?
Tony Abbott: Do you know it’s not available to young people? Anyone under 67 really.
The Bug: Ah… well… yes.
Tony Abbott: Don’t you think that’s rather ageist?
The Bug: Well, your argument certainly makes as much sense as your anti-Voice stance did. Anything else?
Tony Abbott: Well, any government service that is means tested will have to go! That’s all very meanist. Surely in a fair and equitable Australia, Gina Rinehart would be eligible to the same Commonwealth payments as, say, a single mother of five to seven different fathers.
The Bug: Anything else?
Tony Abbott: Do you know that this nation’s maternity hospitals have never catered to men?
The Bug: Sexist?
Tony Abbott: Exactly.
The Bug: So any government activity or expenditure that’s racist, ageist, meanist or sexist will be in your sights and your top priorities on your return to Canberra?
Tony Abbott: Well, they’ll certainly be right up there behind my No1 campaign goal!
The Bug: We’re almost afraid to ask.
Tony Abbott: A post-humerous…
The Bug: Posthumous…
Tony Abbott: Exactly, a posthumous Australian knighthood to Prince Philip.
The Bug: You really are as fucking stupid as you look, aren’t you?
Tony Abbott: I bet I are. I am I bet. You are bet I. I’ve never claimed to be the suppository of all wisdom.
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